Embarrassing Fantasy Version of Someone
I like to think of myself as being aware, intuitive and very good at reading people.
Yet, I had a few relationships with family members and partners where I ignored my intuition and continued with them despite what red-flags I noticed and experienced.
Why?
I thought something was wrong with me for having red-flags.
I thought something was wrong with me for being bothered by my red-flags.
I thought the red-flags would stop once they finally recognized that I’m sensitive, sincere, empathetic and trust-worthy.
I thought those people were deep, healthy, emotionally-mature and aware.
I thought that their title and position in my life (parent, sibling, or partner) meant that they liked, loved, respected and were loyal to me.
I thought that their willingness to be around me and to communicate with me meant that they liked, loved, respected me; that they were my ally; and that they wanted to know and be close to me.
Because of my assumptions in points 4, 5 and 6, I thought we were alike in who we are and what we want.
In all of those relationships, it was very-much to their advantage that I thought some things were wrong with me. Even when they overtly did wrong things, I still blamed myself for how I handled it. In other words, I was their scapegoat.
Embarrassing Fantasy
In all of those relationships, I had a fantasy version of who they each were (listed in points 4, 5, 6 and 7, above).
I was completely and totally idealizing these people. They were, in fact, not deep, healthy, emotionally-mature, aware, loving, respectful or loyal. Nor did they desire to know, be close to and be loyal to me. Nor did they care to be my ally. Nor were we alike and desired the same things.
Idealized Me
I think they must have idealized me too. Their idealized version of me was essentially that of an AI robot or other object--which is definitely not a compliment to me. And that is most-certainly devaluing of me.
Moral of the Story
Thankfully, I have learned from these relationships and experiences. For sure, I don’t ignore red flags and deal-breakers anymore. I see people for who they are, and don’t assume they are like me. I have made peace with what I want to give and to receive in relationship. I have generated inner peace with who I am and my strong faith in God—both of which no one can ever take away from me.
I stick to my standards. I don't settle. And I am unmoved when ridiculed for being picky, sensitive, and too particular.
Do you need support in getting out of toxic relationships? Do you need help determining & sticking to your standards? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.