When the ‘Shell’ of the Relationship is Perfect

EVERYTHING ELSE IS PERFECT

Besides unhealed emotional issues, another factor which makes it difficult to end a toxic relationship is that everything else is right—when everything else is what you’ve always wanted to share with someone you love.

For example, I was involved with someone

(following are traits apparent to me shortly after meeting this person)

• in whom I was very interested, intrigued by, and wanted to know deeply

• with whom I wanted to share everything about myself and my life

• to whom I was very attracted

• who was willing to do with me any activities, tasks, and projects that I initiated and wanted to

• who I loved deeply

• who I hoped to be with for the rest of my life

(following are traits apparent after getting more involved with this person)

• with whom I shared a lot of laughs, goofiness, and private jokes

• who let me take up space—physically, energetically, and allowing my things

• who would never feel smothered by me

• with whom I lived in a house I loved, with a yard I loved, in a location I loved

• with and around whom I did many things I loved doing, in locations where I loved being

• with whom I worked together perfectly on tasks and projects, and joint household and activity decisions

• from whom I received help in ways I had previously only wished for, and in some ways I hadn’t even thought of before

• from whom I received gifts which I highly-appreciated and valued

  • without my even asking for, or implying that I wanted

  • gifts I either needed or I didn’t even consider purchasing, yet were useful and helpful

There were so many good things. Very early on, how I felt about this person was very rare, and were significant to me. Even more good things were established later. Yet.

OF BAD CHARACTER

Yet, I didn’t feel emotionally nor physically safe with his person who I did not trust; who didn’t know how, nor desired, to relate and deeply-connect (but chose to fake it instead); who consciously could look at me in the face and tell me lies; who was sneaky and kept many secrets from me; who tricked me; who smeared me behind my back; who chose not to mature and grow (instead, learned more methods to fool me and others); who threatened me; and who otherwise didn’t have good boundaries, morals, ethics, principles and standards.

It was very difficult to sort out in my mind that the person who I loved, and with whom I shared so many good things, could also be my adversary.

Of course, the red flags were abundant from the start. But I ignorantly didn’t honor my deal-breakers and I opted to be in denial—honestly believing the person would change. Denial about someone wanting to change, especially when loving someone, creates a powerful block. When there are some really good aspects and traits about the relationship which seem so rare, it’s hard to let go. The good aspects and traits were like a dream-come-true for me. It was very disheartening and heart-breaking.

SHELL OF RELATIONSHIP

I had to see that it was just the shell of the relationship that was good. My feelings were real. But, unfortunately, I felt those feelings for a dangerous person.

I write many blog posts in which I explain the ways and importance of observing who a person really is early on—not who they directly say they are, but who they show you to be. Pay attention.

HIGHER STANDARDS

Before meeting people

• beware of your your sense of lack in your life

  • such as emotional support, love, affection, connection, companionship, security, safety

  • focusing on lack can make you susceptible to falling for someone unhealthy, or even dangerous, who appears to provide what you need

• know what you want and value in life and relationship

• know your deal-breakers

• choose and live accordingly

Don’t lower your own standards just because you meet someone whose potential you see, or with whom you can share a shell of a relationship. And certainly do not expect, nor hold out for, people to change.

Remember that we are the company we keep. Relationship coach and author, Matthew Hussey, speaks about how we need to create the culture we want to live in and represent.

“The culture we create in our lives is really an external representation of an internal value system we develop and cultivate--a culture in life by the choices we make, and the people we let close to us and surround ourselves with. Creating the right culture takes discipline, precisely because we have to make hard choices that may involve saying 'No' to people who feel attractive, interesting, or like they're giving us some kind of short-term seductive reward, but don't actually live up to the values that we hold dear.”

- Matthew Hussey

BELIEVE IN THE RELATIONSHIP YOU DESIRE AND NEED

I believe that I can experience all of the good things from that relationship, and more, with a trustworthy, transparent person who doesn’t raise red flags nor do my deal-breakers.

Like relationship coach and author, Susan Winter, says: Keep the dream, replace the person.

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you..