What Do You Need from a Rocky Relationship?
I originally wrote this article on March 8, 2015.
I had a rough relationship with someone close to me when I was growing up. Now, mid-life, the relationship is all but nonexistent. First, because I finally generated enough self-worth to let it go. And secondly, after I was able to be around this person without being emotionally-invested, I simply don’t get any benefit out of being around them.
The lack-of-benefit stems from not being able to have real, authentic communication with this person. I have forgiven, but there are ignored elephants in the room; discussing these areas would create a tremendous amount of growth for both of us. And I haven’t felt any sense of growth from this person; a lot of their childhood coping mechanisms are still in-tact–including and especially not wanting to discuss our relationship issues and desires. So instead, I end up feeling exhausted listening to them talk at me about surface-level things at a million miles a minute, while making my best effort to be a good listener. I do this for 24 hours a week at my general-public job; I don’t want to do this on my free time.
I have asked myself what would be helpful to me for this person to do now. It would be for them to do these things:
take responsibility for what they did
ask me what I have to say about it all and ask if I have any questions for them
validate my experience and feelings
share their feelings about it (guilt or whatever)
forgive themselves and let it go
The idea is to recognize this will likely never happen. And to not need it to happen either because of having done my own healing.
But it’s beneficial to identify my own needs in such a circumstance. I learn more about myself and I can see how I can do these things for myself and for my loved ones right now.
I do the above list with my kids all the time, in a light, easy manner. This helps me to not carry guilt around, and to be gentle with myself. It keeps the lines-of-communication open.
It is important to point out here that we need to also trust our children are competent. Treating them with pity isn’t helpful to anyone. And loving ourselves benefits everyone.
Warmly,