Being Disliked
Several years ago, it really bothered me if someone disliked me—even if it was someone I didn’t like much. I think this is a common symptom of being a people-pleaser. And I think being a people-pleaser is a deep insecurity from being unsure about oneself; thus, having to resort to others’ approval in order to try to feel better.
Along with being a people-pleaser, came some guilt about my disliking some people. But I straightened that out, too, when I became secure about who I am.
Now, it’s easy: It doesn’t bother me if people who I dislike, dislike me.
But if I do like someone, but he/she doesn’t have an interest in being around or communicating with me much, I take the hint and move on.
What if someone who I like is a jerk to me, disrespects me and my boundaries, or otherwise betrays me?
I learned to see such a person in one of two ways:
I assume he/she strongly dislikes me.
I assume he/she has some sort of mental/emotional issues.
Either of the above tells me to adjust myself accordingly:
I switch from liking the person, into just having basic human respect for him/her, and nothing more.
I keep my distance, reveal very little or nothing about myself, and stay emotionally-detached.
Ideally, I don't have to be involved with such a person.
If I dislike someone who likes me or who is intrusive, I do the same as above. And if I have to still deal with the person,
I try my best to be courteous.
I stick to my boundaries based on what I value and on having high self-regard.
I do not offer up more of myself for the person to latch onto.
How to handle liking someone who makes choices which point to this person not liking me, yet my needing to be around such a person frequently—and maybe even living together—has been a much more challenging lesson to figure out. But I think the way to handle this is the same way to handle someone who has disrespected me:
Assume he/she strongly dislikes me, or has some sort of mental/emotional issues.
Switch from liking the person, into just having basic human respect for him/her, and nothing more. [This might require going through the grieving process.]
Keep distance, reveal very little or nothing about oneself, and stay emotionally-detached.
Practice self-care and healing work.
Focus on personal passions, life missions, growth and learning.
Be courteous.
To able to be courteous without imploding or losing sense of dignity, see this person as a troubled young person: carrying resentment towards such a person only causes internal self-harm and disrupts sense-of-peace in the shared environment.
Stick to boundaries based on values and on having high self-regard.
Do not offer up more of oneself for the person to latch onto or use as weapons.
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