Covert Rejection Signs
When interested in getting to know someone, there can be traits which seem really appealing about the person. He/she might seem interested in getting to know you too, by accepting your invitations and being willing to be around you frequently. He/she might seem easy-going. Yet, there can be many unknowns. Something doesn’t sit quite right. You feel like you’re missing information.
But if you take it pretty seriously that you actually found someone in whom you’re interested, it could be easy to quickly brush away your doubts. You feel confident that you have the communication skills, life experience, discernment and awareness to know when you’ve found a potential good match, and to be able to find out more about this person. And you figure if you share yourself with this person, he/she will come out of his/her shell and trust that you’re a safe person to open up to.
Yet, this person really seems reserved. Sure, he/she accepts all your invites and says really flattering things about you—he/she seems to notice and value the very things you want to be noticed and valued for. But why do you feel like you’re left in the dark? Why does this person never seem to invite you, or to offer up personal information? Why is this person not relating to what you share, but rather just takes it all in?
“Is this person disinterested in me? Nah, why would he/she like being around me? Surely, he/she is honored and appreciates that I see and believe in his/her potential, that I create space in my life for him/her, and that I’m willing to make a sincere effort to create a strong connection with him/her. Except that I don’t know where this person is when I’m not with him/her. Except that I never see this person while he/she is interacting with others in his/her own life. Except there are a lot of blank spaces with this person.
“I’m not even going to consider that this person is rejecting me. That couldn’t possibly be. Could it? Could it be that this seemingly-willing person who I picked isn’t as into me as I am into him/her? Nah. I will brush that aside before I will let it land. I really, really want to know this person and for him/her to know me. After all, he/she said some really amazing declarations about me and his/her feelings.”
Hey, I’ve been there.
If I could send my past self a message in such a situation, I would send myself this blog post.
What I described above are huge red flags. Proceed with caution. Do not be so enthusiastic about finding someone of interest that you ignore your intuition and gut. If the person makes you feel uneasy, or if you feel tinges of emotional pain when thinking of this person, do not ignore it.
Do not be willfully-blind as to not see you are being rejected. Strung along, yes. A form of entertainment and distraction, yes. Potentially you could even be seen simply as a great challenge or your interest in him/her could be an ego boost for this person. But all signs point to your, indeed, being rejected. You’re being duped and you’re duping yourself.
If you don’t want to believe it, step back. Observe this person. Observe the efforts he/she makes to get to know you and to be known by you. Look at the effort he/she makes to involve and include you into his/her life, interests, home, thoughts, community and social circles.
Do you notice any of the following about this covert person?
He/she is “special” kind of quiet.
doesn’t give you a full disclosure about who he/she is
tells you that you will get to know” him/her as time goes on—implying it’s because he/she is shy
seems slippery, aloof and maybe a bit shady
hard to read
hard to connect with or relate to
hard to get direct answers and information from
makes you pull teeth to get any information out of him/her
withholds information
lies
lies by omission
“forgets” to tell you information he/she knows you want to or need to know
His/her identity has an appeal but something doesn’t sit quite right.
is mysterious, and hides and disappears: both physically and mentally
frequently seems vacant, not present, with you when you are hanging out together
seems to frequently daydream
is secretive and stealthy
is really quiet much of the time
appears to be very laid-back and nonchalant
potentially: underneath, has a sort of arrogance, entitlement, nihilism, lack of accountability, empathy, care and concern
oddly, seems to not have any struggles
potentially: lacks ability or willingness to have true connection; doesn’t care about learning and growing
oddly, shows little or no evidence of ever being genuinely bothered by others
potentially: has low standards; is shallow; lacks empathy and concern; and is desperate for, doesn’t want to rule out, any sort of attention
is easily distracted by other people, media, and superficial stimuli
shows little or no evidence of having boundaries with others
can’t seem to resist responding to stimuli and giving attention to whoever wants it from him/her
says “yes” to almost any invitation from others—including with others who the person claims to dislike or not care about
rides people’s coattails
tries to befriend your people behind your back
compartmentalizes / lives a double life
hides his/her interests, preferences, opinions, perspectives, thoughts, needs, desires and beliefs from you
hides his/her interactions from you
hides his/her acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and/or relatives from you
hides his/her day-to-day choices, plans, activities from you
keeps you secret
doesn’t let anyone, or most people, know that he/she has you in his/her life
lets others think he/she is all alone and has no one else to consider in choices or to get support and attention from
has said things to imply that what he/she does away from you doesn’t have anything to do with you
i.e. what happens at work or in Las Vegas, stays at work or in Las Vegas
i.e. there are some things you just aren’t and will not be privy to know
has said that he/she thinks of you all the time, so he/she doesn’t understand any concerns you have
takes information you share and uses it with others or all alone, without including you
you discover that coworkers or acquaintances know much more about him/her than you do
“He/She sees me!” - He/she says he/she wants the same things as you do, making you feel “seen” by him/her.
agrees with whatever you say you believe and want
seems to change personas, beliefs, interests and passions based on who is talking to him/her
doesn’t consider you in choices he/she makes
you always seem to take the lead
is willing to do almost anything you think of, but never or rarely comes up with things to do together
always or usually accepts your invitations, but never or rarely invites you to activities, events, and social gatherings
brings up only safe, chit-chat type topics with you—the same type of topics which could be discussed with a stranger
doesn’t know why he/she did or does what he/she did/does
uses the excuses, “I didn’t think about it, it just happened, I just did it, it happened so fast…” or “It doesn’t mean anything to me that I did that.”
as if this reasoning gets him/her off the hook for being disrespectful of you or otherwise making poor choices
doesn’t talk about mistakes and resulting life lessons learned
disinterested in resolving mistakes, conflicts, misunderstandings, conflicting information, or your desire for clarity
If you express that his/her choices make you feel disrespected and insecure in the relationship, he/she assumes it’s your problem and nothing to do with his/her choices being inappropriate.
Disregards that a relationship entails both people in the relationship feeling secure and respected in the relationship, and that the disrespected person’s input ought to be taken seriously, and be sincerely considered, discussed and resolved.
If confronted about lying or hiding information, he/she says excuses like “It is only to protect you,” or it’s your fault that he/she had to lie and hide because you get angry, or else because he/she just wanted you to like him/her.
Disregards the following:
You wouldn’t choose to get to know someone whose moral compass is okay with lying to you, who values you so little as to not want you to be privy to the truth, or who doesn’t give you a full disclosure of who exactly you’re dealing with.
Being lied to is the polar opposite of being “protected.”
You have no interest in investing in someone who is a fraud.
It’s gaslighting to withhold the truth and lie to you, and then blame you for his/her doing it in the first place since he/she knew you wouldn’t like the truth or you’d get upset about the truth.
Don’t ignore these behaviors and choices if you hoped to be close to this person.
Don’t let these covert rejection signs lurk and slither in the mysterious shadows, and create confusion, cognitive dissonance, frustration, and resentment. Shine a bright and clear light on these behaviors and choices, and they will show you that this person wants to keep you tucked away in a little compartment, sitting on a shelf for later use, and to keep you in-the-dark. To this person, having an authentic, honest relationship with you isn’t important and neither are you. All signs point to him/her just not being into you. I feel your pain about this!
Being rejected by someone in whom you really are interested can sting pretty badly. It can be really hard to accept. But take it from me, it’s better to accept the initial sting of being rejected than to keep digging yourself into a hole, and humiliating yourself by trying to get this person to choose you like you chose him/her.
It’s a tough pill to swallow. But when you take a look at the situation, you will realize that you have much more going for yourself and your life than anything and anyone for which he/she has rejected you; what you have going for you are a match for who you are and are better than anything this person has kept hidden from you. So, truly, you aren’t missing out on much by being excluded by this person and his/her life.
Let this experience be a reminder to stay attuned and true to who you are and what you value. Trust yourself and your intuition. Be there for yourself, be your own best friend. Put your energy and intention into getting your dignity and self-respect back. Herein lies the gifts of being rejected.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.