Choose: Niceness or Connection
Growing up, my dad would frequently tell me to smile or rhetorically ask, “Why don’t you ever smile?”
I didn’t have an answer. I felt guilty though. I took notice of how, when I was away from home and enjoying my friends, I had no problem smiling.
I didn’t know why I didn’t smile at home until I was off on my own and into adulthood for a while. It was because, beyond and beneath the stressful environment, I didn’t feel connection with my parents. While I wanted to understand, communicate and be close, my parents didn’t share the need in our family to share closeness, empathy, authentic communication, and a desire to deeply know and understand one another.
Therefore, along with the stress stress and confusion at home, there also wasn’t integrity, connection and strong relationships with self and each another to stand on, to count on, and lean on during the times of trouble.
Instead, what mattered was if I smiled or not. What mattered was if I read others’ queues to know where I should assist. What mattered was that I kept my mouth shut, kept quiet, stayed out of the way, and didn’t create more work.
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
- Perfect by Alanis Morissette
[Note that I don’t feel like a victim for this. The more I have learned about myself, life, relationships and people, the more compassion I have had for my parents; and knowing where they still emotionally are, at this point in life, especially makes me empathize with the troubled young parents they were.]
In essence, my role in my family-of-origin was to be an invisible personal assistant. In childhood and beyond, I was to be a song-and-dance person; that is, I was to focus on my external appearance and, in a sense, comfort and entertain others with a show, with a figurative song-and-dance performance of their choosing. Forget connection! Do a song-and-dance so others feel better about themselves, their disconnect, insecurities and dysfunction.
I’ve experienced this mindset well beyond my family-of-origin. I see this song-and-dance expectation all around. I see relationships and partnerships which are based on smiles, friendly chit-chat, and not making waves at all costs. I see people enthralled and infatuated with strangers who song-and-dance. I see people who couldn’t care less about exchanging needed information, being efficient and responsible, or doing a job well-done, but rather they put all their bets on their own and others’ song-and-dance.
When we have deep, emotional connection with those in our inner circle, we desire to deeply know each other. We desire and expect truth, authenticity, and sincerity. We share honest and transparent communication. Because of these shared desires and efforts, we are able to trust and lean on one another. With this secure and stable place to stand, a song-and-dance feels fake, inauthentic, and even like a game and manipulation tactic.
When the objective and intention for a relationship is connection rather than a song-and-dance display, then when our loved one is crabby or short, or isn’t smiling, etc., it isn’t the end-all. We allow realness in ourselves and each other. Putting forth a facade, being fake, and being artificial is undesirable. We don’t play dumb and aren’t willfully-blind. We sincerely want to know what’s going on, if something isn’t being communicated, if something isn’t resolved, or if there’s anything we can help him/her with. And he/she openly shares what is going on to not keep us guessing and chasing dangling carrots.
Perfection—the “perfect” song, dance, words and tone—isn’t required with a true connection based on honesty and transparency.
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