Types & Traits of Narcissists
I have had almost a lifetime of trying to connect with and get close to people who I later realized displayed several traits of narcissism. Had I understood who and what I was dealing with, I would have reconsidered so many decisions and life choices.
As such, I have done quite a bit of psychological study on narcissism.
The word narcissism is overused in our culture and generally seems to be misunderstood. Even amongst those who consistently speak about narcissism, I still find some discrepancies as to what seems to ring true across-the-board, in my experiences, with any type of narcissist. For example, some say that narcissists are overtly mean and insulting; when, in fact, not all narcissists are this way.
First of all, there are two, general types of narcissists:
Grandiose, overt narcissist
Vulnerable, covert narcissist
The grandiose narcissist can’t easily hide their narcissism because they tend to be loud or intrusive. Although, they sometimes can distract and fool people with their outgoing personality.
The vulnerable narcissist can easily hide their narcissism by being quiet or acting “nice” or “meek.”
What I’ve observed in both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists is that they
are unattainable and unreachable
Those who want to know them and get close to them opt into a cat-and-mouse game of chase.
are secretly insecure and shameful about not being able to be perfect
are emotionally-immature and emotionally-disconnected
It could be that narcissists are only conscious of two main feelings:
feeling pleasure
anger due to their pleasure being interrupted or hard to obtain in that moment
have a dissociative, disorganized attachment style
don’t know how to integrate different aspects of themselves, thus they compartmentalize
are vague and dishonest about what they want, and what they want from others and relationships
withhold themselves and information from others
Those who want to know them, or to get information from them, have to “pull teeth” to get anything out of them.
lie by omission
ensure others are left craving something from them
do not understand, nor care about, emotional connection in relationships—thus, lack empathy
emotionally keep people at a distance—ensuring all relationships are superficial
see everyone as replaceable and interchangeable
Although, differences in people for a narcissist could be the amount and intensity of reactions the narcissist can get from each person, and how much effort on the narcissist’s part is required for reaction.
do not care about knowing and understanding themselves or anyone else on a deep level
use verbal or unspoken, non-verbal threats
via guilt trips, blame-shifting, gaslighting, intimidation, exclusion, abandonment, desertion
to prevent others from expressing and resolving concerns & problems
to detour others from seeking true connection with them
desperately need to be superficially-noticed (to be noticed versus creating connection)
in the form of their appearance and image, good deeds, friendliness, conformity, people-pleasing, martyrdom, being pitiful or helpless, being nice, being cool, being popular
provoke reactions in others & then point to how horrible the other person is if the reaction isn’t comfortable and pleasant
are fueled by reactions from others (to get reactions versus creating connection)
create a false-self image which they portray to the world
Some create different masks, characters, personalities, and even different beliefs and value systems which they use in different settings and groups and with different individuals
highly-value and invest in how strangers and acquaintances see them—much more than caring how their loved ones see them
place emphasis on song-and-dance performances over connection
People and interactions are strictly for their entertainment, superficial pleasures and distraction.
are willing to lack in or forgo integrity, loyalty, dedication and devotion in order to get what they want
are conveniently forgetful
They can easily forget about and to consider their loved ones.
They can easily forget what they do and say.
They can easily forget what others share and point out to them if it’s not useful in obtaining pleasure or getting reactions.
are willfully-blind and claim to not understand
are strongly resistant to self-reflection, contemplation, learning, growing and new information
When dealing with people who have the above traits, it’s important to understand that they will never like us more than any other object. To a narcissist, we're not fellow people to connect with, relate to, and collaborate with. We are a tool for superficial needs.
Knowing this information which we shouldn’t ignore, we can then accept narcissists just as they are. And from there, we can set appropriate boundaries. We can decide how much involvement we want with such people, if any at all.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.