Conversation with a Single Dad

I originally wrote this article on October 20, 2012.

Below is a conversation with a single dad.  What we all can get out of this discussion is to recognize that what others do doesn’t have to be our business. When we concern ourselves with, for example, what the Jones’s have that we don’t have, we pull focus away from ourselves–which also withdraws self-care and the knowing we really can create a life we love.  We are free to do this life as we choose.  What a lovely gift it is to ourselves, and subsequently to those around us, to be responsible for finding our own passion and joy.

Bill: I need your help in getting my ex-wife, Jane, to change her ways.

Amy: Of course we both know that we can’t change other people.  But I would love to talk to you about your side of things, and to support you in feeling better and getting what it is you want.

Bill: I work 40 hours a week while she gets to say home with the kids (they homeschool). She gets to sleep in. I have to be to work by 8:00 a.m.  I give her money every week.

Amy:  Do you enjoy your job?

Bill: I feel valued there, so I like it. And I like my coworkers.

Amy: You enjoy your job, you feel valued, and you get to be around people you like.  Why isn’t that your focus, instead of your concerning yourself with how your life is different than Jane’s?

Bill: Well, it doesn’t seem fair that I have to go to work and she doesn’t; and I have to pay her money.

Amy: The money you’re paying her is child support, I presume. Do you also pay spousal maintenance since she’s been a homemaker for many years?

Bill: No, I don’t pay spousal maintenance.  Yes, the money is child support; but she gets to decide what she does with that money.

Amy: Is it that you don’t trust her decisions on how she uses the child support for the children’s care?

Bill: Well, no. I trust her. But, again, I’m having to work 40 hours a week…

Amy:  How much do you think it is worth to have your children with their mother, someone who unconditionally loves them and someone who is very invested in their well-being?  Do you find value in that, and how does that fit into your value system?

Bill: It’s important to me.  But I don’t think they are learning what public-school kids are learning.

Amy: Do you spend any of your custody time teaching them what you, personally, find valuable?

Bill: Well, no. But I work all week. And that is Jane’s job to do.

Amy: Yes, I understand you go to a paying-job for 40 hours a week. Do you recognize that Jane is doing what she, herself, believes in for the children?  Do you recognize that if there is something you feel is missing in her parenting, then it is your responsibility to provide those things to your children–either providing it directly, yourself, or your finding someone who can?

Bill: I shouldn’t have to do that. Jane is with them the most.

Amy: But, Bill, these are your beliefs about the children’s needs.  They are subjective. Jane has her own ways of child-rearing and educating which she, herself, believes in–obviously she believes strongly enough to devote five days a week to raising the children this way.  What are you, yourself, going to do in order to foster, with the children, what you believe in?

Bill: I don’t like this conversation.

Amy: Let’s talk about what makes you feel good.  You told me that the location where you spend 40 hours a week is pleasant, enjoyable, and makes you feel important.

Bill:  Well, I don’t love it. It’s fine.

Amy: You are free to find something which you do love; that can be a separate conversation.  But first, let’s deal with what is right in front of you.

Your children are well cared for 5 days a week by Jane. She’s a passionate mother who loves your children more than anything.  I suggest sitting with that for a little while and grasping how valuable that is to your children, to Jane, and to yourself.  That’s pretty big.

Secondly, recognize that how Jane spends her week days is completely separate from how you spend your week days. Jane has her life. You have yours. What are you doing with your life? This is your focus.

You have a job you enjoy.  You are appreciated and valued there–which is a wonderful feeling, I imagine. It’s not your most ideal setting; you are free to change that. But I believe that the first steps to changing your life are to be present where you are right now.  Be conscious of your feelings. Observe yourself, your feelings, your actions, your thoughts–without judging yourself.

Bring it back home, as I say. Bring your focus back to your own heart.  Stop looking outside of yourself, pointing fingers, and feeling like things aren’t fair.  Be with yourself. Really be there for yourself.

Being our own best friends, caring for ourselves, is where it’s at.  Doing so is going to make you feel so much better. And when you feel better, you begin to see possibilities for yourself.

Right now, it seems you see ‘teaching’ your children (in the areas you believe are lacking) as a duty, an obligation.  Begin seeing this time as a way to bond with your children, to learn about who they are, and to create the kind of relationship you desire to have with them.  Also, see it as an expression of yourself.  When we share ourselves and what we know with others, we learn about ourselves.  Be curious about how it will all go. Be open to learning new things about yourself.

When you pay child support every week, bless that money.  ‘Money, I bless you. I feel good about providing for my children. I feel good about what you will be used for to ensure my children have the most fulfilling childhoods possible. Thank you, money, for being a symbol of my love for my wonderful children.’

Can you feel the difference in just these few shifts of thoughts?

Bill:  Yes. I’m going to try it.

Amy:  Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. Thank you for being a loving, caring father to your children.

Warmly,