Dangling Carrot: Secrecy & Withholding
Being transparent, authentic, and communicative comes naturally for those of us who highly-value connection and sharing with those we are close to, live with, are related to, or exchange valuable information with.
It might spark within us the desire to know more when we encounter someone in whom we are interested (seemingly vice versa) even when a person is secretive, withholds him/herself and information, and seems mysterious and/or aloof. We might be relentless in trying to get the person to open up, to share, to be known by us. We might share a lot about ourselves to show the person we’re safe to share with, and to show him/her how it’s done.
We might even think there must be really precious and valuable information that the other person is holding so near and dear and protected.
I want to warn you that this is a trap. This person either isn’t interested in you, but doesn’t want to tell you he/she isn’t. Or the person just enjoys your attention and your impassioned attempts to know him/her and to figure him/her out.
The more you chase, the more he/she will withhold to make you chase after him/her even more.
The more you want to know, the more you are “pulling teeth” and chomping at the bit, the more he/she feels flattered and important.
The more frustrated you become, the more he/she gets a kick out of your desperation.
Face it, if the person is secretive:
he/she probably lacks awareness, is immature, and lacks in communication skills anyway.
he/she is very-likely hiding things which you won’t like much at all.
he/she doesn’t respect and value you, your gifts, your time, your interest, your energy, and your efforts and your investment.
he/she isn’t your kind of close friend.
Face what-is and stop playing this cat-and-mouse game.
It can be difficult to stop the cat-and-mouse game because you don’t want to believe that you would be interested in, and put so much effort into, someone who has had no intention of being known by you and who disrespects who you are—no matter how much you have to offer a relationship.
But that’s the hard truth. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will feel healthier, stronger and more inspired to use your gifts and passions where they will be valued and useful.
Note: You can apply this same information pertaining to a person who lies to you.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.