Denial as a Way of Life
Dr. Les Carter has done an excellent job in describing what it’s like dealing with people who live in denial. I’ve typed up notes, in italics below, from this video he made. Hopefully it validates your experiences.
When you interact with other individuals, are you open to their input? Healthy people are. When engaging with others, it’s inevitable to have different thoughts, perspectives, and takes on how things go. Sometimes you have blind spots. Sometimes you’ve make mistakes. You can receive input, mull it over, and do with it as wisdom would direct you to do.
With folks who live in denial, when you illustrate that you do, indeed, have your own independent mindset, they will gaslight you. They make it their task to create confusion and doubt in you so that they can elevate themselves at your expense.
With folks who live in denial, your perceptions are going to be dismissed. They believe the following about themselves:
“I don’t need your input. I don’t want it. You’re in my way.”
“If I could just get you to think the way that I say it ought to be, we’re going to get along just fine.”
“My denial overrides your intelligence.”
“I don’t need to learn anything—especially from you.”
“I don’t want to hear you. I want to make you think that you’re the idiot.”
“I would rather lie to myself.”
“I would rather discredit you.”
“I would rather continue in my dysfunction rather than learning how to adjust.”
Their ultimate goal is to perpetuate their own alternate reality.
Long ago, deep in their own personal histories, they came to the conclusion that they didn’t really know how to manage certain truths in their world; so they started making things up on their own behalf as they went through it.
Denial became one of their primary coping mechanisms to fall back on and in dealing with problems.
This is something that’s been going on in their world for decades.
“If I can convince myself and if I can convince you that my problems don’t exist, then it’s all settled.”
Various patterns in their personal history are a part of this denial, which leads to their gaslighting.
If they were honest, they could say,
“I was shamed, deep in my history, by people in authority. I didn’t know how to manage that.”
“Whenever I tried to explain my needs or my feelings, I was invalidated. I didn’t know how to manage that either.”
“Whenever I began experiencing conflict, I didn’t know how to manage those conflicts.”
“Whenever I was required to blend and harmonize with people who were quite different than me, I didn’t know how to manage that.”
They are drawing upon ineptitude whenever stress, strain and difficulties come along.
“Nobody ever taught me how to manage that well. Or if they did, it just didn’t soak in.”
So instead of saying, I need to go back and revisit all that, they go back to their denial.
“If I can just deny my ineptitude and if I can declare myself the ultimate keeper of truth, I win.”
When you show up and say there are ways we can manage this differently…
Instead of their saying, “I’m always in a learning mode,” they go back to their strategy.
“My strategy is ‘deny it and then I win.’”
When you say you have a different perspective, they will gaslight you.
You will be blamed for their on-going friction with the world.
When a person repeatedly gaslights you, you’re in the presence of a profoundly insecure individual.
A very basic way to deal with relationships is to communicate the following with each other:
I’d like to listen to you.
I respect your input.
I haven’t thought about it that way before. Tell me more.
Let’s examine the differences between you and me. Perhaps we could each learn something.
Denial folks have such an ineptitude as part of their life. So, instead, they deny that this healthy approach even exists. And they pronounce themselves as the know-it-all everyone needs to look to for all the wisdom in the world.
They haven’t come to acknowledge one core, and very basic, truth: Pretending to know more than you really do and then shaming someone who could actually help you is simply not a good strategy for living.
The fact that they can’t come to terms with this truth means that they are, instead, going to blame, try to invalidate and run into the ground anyone who has a different thought.
Advice to you:
By virtue of the nature of denial, it’s going to be necessary for you to realize that you are not going to be heard.
Denial means there’s a thick wall of defense. Don’t expect that you’re going to be the one who’s going to break through that wall of defense.
When they continuously refute your input, it’s a major red flag which shows you that you’re dealing with a very troubled and fear-based individual.
When someone persistently attempts to control you, the strong implication is that they feel out of control inwardly. By gaslighting you, using denial and pushing it onto you, what they are really saying is, “I have way too much confusion on the inside of me to even go into that space. I just need to control and manage your perception of who I am.”
Be intelligent and insightful enough to not buy into their denial and their use of gaslighting as a means of covering up their feelings of ineptitude.
Learn to listen to yourself, and to listen to yourself honestly. That’s a skill that these people do not have. Make it a skill that’s central to who you are.
Remember: They want to gaslight you and put you into a place of confusion. What they are, in fact, doing is covering their own confusion.
As you learn to trust in yourself and live with the wisdom that you know, this is going to carry you into deeper, healthy relationships.
See these people for what they are. Sadly, there’s just a pitiful element there. Don’t let these people be the ones who guide you in the way that you do life.
As you learn how to listen to yourself, to receive input and be an on-going learner, it will position you to become a person of steadiness and a person of peace.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.