Importance of Doting
bpt, Here are a few definitions of the word dote which are in the context of this article:
shower with love; show excessive affection for
to bestow or express excessive love or fondness habitually
be extremely and uncritically fond of
In a healthy mother-child relationship, a mother dotes on her infant as expression of her deep love. This includes actions like lovingly looking upon the baby; touching the baby’s face, hands and toes in awe and wonder; cuddling; enjoying the softness of the baby’s head; nursing; appreciating and cherishing the baby. Oxytocin, or the love hormone, is released and bonding is fostered.
Whether we had this sort of experience as infants or not, we were born expecting it. I believe that our psychologically needing doting doesn’t end at infancy, childhood, or even adulthood.
What does doting look like as an adult?
First and foremost, authentically caring for and loving yourself first is the only way you can truly love someone else.
Doting is an expression of deep love, and a form of caring for one another and sharing intimacy between two people who trust each other and have an emotional connection. It signifies devotion, dedication, and commitment to each other. Doting says, “I choose you. You are precious to me. I adore you and what we share together. I enjoy being myself and being myself with you.” It can include hand holding, snuggling, lovingly admiring physical traits, tenderly expressing appreciation for one another, sharing secrets, and so on.
This sort of doting, this sort of relationship, is to be held sacred. It’s exclusive between two people. It’s an energetic, physical, emotional and mental safe space. And the depth and importance of sharing this with one another is cherished and protected.
What happens when adults don’t have a doting type of committed relationship?
I believe all humans need to have this type of relationship. If some people believe they do not, it could be because of past trauma, potentially from infancy or later in childhood. We have to be strong and tough to survive in this world. But only being this way isn’t healthy.
I believe dysfunctional behaviors can result from not having a committed, doting relationship. These behaviors are subconscious attempts to distract from the painful void left, and prevents and enables people from doing the work to authentically care for and love themselves in order to be able to love and dote on another:
lack of boundaries, values, standards, principles
addictions
frequently distracting oneself
living dangerously
promiscuity
impulsivity
superficiality
aloofness
self-absorption
over-responsibility
being guarded, overly assertive, toughness
bullying and aggressiveness
manipulating and playing mind games
obsessions and fascination about other people (including gossiping)
cheating (flirting, limerence, affairs)
lying
secrecy, hiding, slipperiness, avoiding, dismissing
maladaptive daydreaming
If you do not have a doting of relationship, first address what you’ve been doing to fill the void. Are you looking outside of your committed relationship to fill the void? If so, take very seriously that you are harming your relationship by withholding the doting experience from yourself and your partner. There cannot be trust when you attempt to superficially dote and get doted elsewhere. Doing so cheapens the experience of doting. It’s the rareness, preciousness, devotion, sincerity, and exclusivity of doting that makes it so valuable.
You can also visualize being a young child who is doted on by a safe, honorable, respectful person which will help you realize that you actually need doting, and especially that you deserve it.
Beyond that, some people will likely need to do some challenging emotional work in order to authentically love and care for themselves, and to be able to create such a relationship with another committed person who wants the same type of relationship. Alternatively, if both partners are mature, and want the same kind of relationship, as both a giver and a receiver (not just a receiver or just a giver), it shouldn’t take much work at all.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.