Exactly What Do You Mean by ‘Tennis?’

Here’s an analogy in the form of a story.

Bea is a skilled tennis player. She moved away from her tennis-player friend and is on the look-out for a tennis-player friend in her new town.

She encounters Jay.

Bea: I’m an avid, skilled tennis player. I’m looking for someone with a similar skill level to play tennis with me for an hour and a half every morning, seven days a week.

Jay: Oh great! I’ve been wanting to do that too. I’m really good at tennis.

Bea: That’s exciting. I’m also open to eventually traveling around the state to try other courts. Additionally, I would like to shop for new rackets and other gear with a fellow tennis player.

Jay: Wow, that sounds perfect. I’d love to do all of that too!

Bea: Okay, good. Let’s meet tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. at Jones Park.

Jay: I’ll be there.

Bea proceeds to tell her friends and relatives that she finally met a ‘really good’ tennis partner who is as enthusiastic about tennis as she is. She unpacks her tennis clothes and rackets from moving boxes. And then Bea runs to the store for cans of new tennis balls. She sets her alarm early so she has time to eat and stretch before meeting Jay for some intense tennis.

Jay is already at the park when Bea arrives. He’s on the basketball court next to the tennis court, there are a few already-opened cans of tennis balls near to him as he bounces an old tennis ball really hard and catches it.

Bea startles him as she says, “Hi Jay.”

Jay greets Bea without stopping his game of catch with himself.

Bea: Well, are you ready to get beat?

Jay: What? I’m doing just fine here. You can’t beat me!

Bea: Um, I mean are you ready to play tennis?

Jay: I am playing tennis, silly.

Bea: Where’s your racket?

Jay: I don’t need one.

Bea: How can you play tennis without a racket?

Jay: Well, obviously, like I am doing right now.

Bea: You can borrow my racket, I’ll go grab it…
Okay, let’s play. Use this racket.

Jay: I’m already playing! I don’t need your racket.

Bea’s heart sinks as she goes alone into the court and practices her serves. Fifteen minutes later, she asks Jay if she can show him how to use a racket; she’d be glad to teach him.

Jay: Nah, I’m doing really well at tennis already. See?

Bea decides to play catch next to Jay for a little bit. She tries talking to him but he is too focused on his game of catch.

Out of the blue, Jay grabs all his old tennis balls and runs across the park without a word. Bea watches him walk up to a couple with a dog. They exchange words, appearing to be strangers. Jay starts throwing the ball for the dog.

Bea goes home completely confused.

She decides to text Jay to make sure she didn’t miss something.

Bea: “Jay, do you want to meet me at the courts again tomorrow and I can teach you some tennis?”

Jay: “Sure! Let’s do it!”

Day two is a repeat of day one.

Bea: Jay, there is some sort of misunderstanding. What do you think ‘tennis’ means?

Jay: Exactly the same as you think it means.

Bea: I thought you played tennis. I thought you wanted to shop for rackets with me, for yourself. I thought…

Jay: Oh, I do. I want to do all of those things! I’ll definitely hang out with you, help you and keep you company!

Bea’s speechless.

Later, Bea’s relatives and friends ask her how her tennis matches are working out. She doesn’t even know what to say since it’s so surreal.

Bea: He seems like a nice-enough guy and is willing to hang out with me, but he has no idea what tennis is. He thinks it’s playing catch by himself, and running off without a word to play catch with a stranger’s dog. When I tried to show him and teach him tennis, he still didn’t seem to understand. I clearly stated that I am looking for a skilled tennis player to play daily tennis with and do other tennis-related activities together. I don’t need someone to just tag along with me. It sure seemed like we wanted the same things. But we don’t speak the same language; we use the exactly the same words for completely different actions and desires.

This is a form cognitive dissonance.

What do you do when you meet someone, they use the exact same words and phrasing as you do; but you each mean completely different things by those words? You can try to explain yourself, try to teach them, show examples, etc.—like the Bea character, above, tried to do with Jay.

But what if the person still doesn’t understand? What if the person insists you are in agreement and on the same page? How much energy do you want to use explaining what you think should be obvious? Likely, the other person will begin to think you’re a jerk since you’re not taking them at their word. To make matters even more complicated: how do you know if they really don’t understand, or if they are messing with you? You don’t.

You have to go by their actions and choices—much more so than their words. And adjust your expectations and choices accordingly.

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.