How Did I Get Here?
I originally wrote this article on February 6, 2012.
At some point, those of us who are courageous enough to take a deep look at ourselves and our lives, ask the question, “How did I get here?”
“How am I working at this job when, 20 years ago, I dreamed of doing something big and expressive for pay?” Or we look at the partner we selected years ago and wonder what the heck we were thinking back then. “Why am I surrounded by these people who make me feel like crap?” “ Why am I dreading getting out of bed in the morning?”
Like the Talking Heads’ song goes, “You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. You may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’” Even with the beautiful house and wife, we might find ourselves living a life which is so contrary to who we are right now.
Guilt can creep in. The culture value system insists we stick with it. “You made your bed, now you must lie in it.”
For me, after a lot of self-reflection, I realized that when I met my ex-husband, I subconsciously signed up for the role of “weak victim” and I accepted that his role was the “intimidating bully.”
So when I found myself wanting to end the marriage for my well-being, I had a heck of a time breaking out of the “weak victim” role. Putting that role down almost felt like a betrayal to him, and to my commitment to him and myself—much more extreme and deep than the legal marriage document. I felt so guilty to be strong and sure, while still being in the same house and in my interactions with him.
My almost-18-year role of “weak victim” had a hold on me like being in a toilet bowl swirling around and around. It took every ounce of strength and determination to project myself out of that swirling toilet. I had to move forward even while feeling guilty, and be strong while I still saw my ex-husband as the “intimidating bully.”
Had my ex wanted to communicate with me about our relationship, we could have collaborated with each other in developing new roles in the relationship. We could have discussed our subconscious, old roles, and collaborate to figure out who we each consciously wanted to be in our relationship—thus, creating something brand new.
When the question comes to you, “How did I get here?”, and you find yourself cringing, open your heart and mind to self-reflection. Perhaps, use the mantra, “It’s okay to change my mind.”
You don’t need to go any further than that for a while. The next steps will come to you. But I truly believe this is the time to prepare your heart for gentle understanding, and recognizing that changes are okay, and honoring who you are now is okay.
Start there. Love yourself.
Warmly,