Project In-Love
I originally wrote this article on November 24, 2012.
I wrote my Unplugged blog entry after a purging-type chat with my Uncle Tom. In that same chat session, Tom shared an idea he had, and experienced, regarding dating someone new. I’m calling it ‘Project In-Love‘. Here is Tom’s explanation:
“I don’t like the superficial story line that seems to play out so often [in dating]. [A woman I met] and I began our relationship by talking on the phone for 7 hours in our first conversation; and from there, we tried an experiment that I had thought of months before meeting her: have 5 dates where we ‘acted’ as though we were In-Love. No ‘shopping’ and meeting others–just committed to being with each other for 5 dates. After 5 dates, we would sit down and discuss doing it again…or not. It was very interesting and very cool. I’d do it again if I found another to try it with me. Little risk, much to gain.”
Yes, the modern dating scene involves a lot of people looking for love (and other things) everywhere they turn, not wanting to put too much time and energy into just one person–perhaps, in case someone better is around the corner. I, myself, find it difficult to reach the kind of vulnerability and intimacy in conversation and sharing I desire while knowing the other person isn’t really present with me. I want to share an exclusively-dating, exploratory experience: ‘Let’s see what you got, let’s see what I got, let’s see how we are together.’
Tom’s Project In-Love idea offers no guarantees or promises of forever (I love Esther Hicks‘ revised marriage vows: ‘I like you pretty much. Let’s see how it goes.’). However, because neither parties are simultaneously ‘playing the field’ and are essentially limiting their options, it allows for the experience of being with each other, creating a mutual and safe space together in which to be authentic. Communication is completely open and relevant to this-very-moment and the sense of genuine curiosity is in full-play. This is what I would call mature dating.
“You’ve been walking in circles, searching. Don’t drink by the water’s edge. Throw yourself in! Become the water. Only then will your thirst end.”
-Jeanette Berson
Before I finally ended my marriage, I decided to give things a go, full-out, one more time. I put myself in a place of being totally in-love with my spouse. I tapped into feeling desire and intimacy. I was surprised how I was able to find the space to do this; it felt real. He didn’t respond to my change-in-energy, as he held tightly to his beliefs about what I needed to do for him in order to show love–these things didn’t involve my feeling in-love or us creating emotional-connection. I didn’t expect him to change who he is or what he desires; and I no longer expected myself to give up my desires for a mutually-passionate and emotionally-connected relationship. Nonetheless, it was a wonderful study of Project In-Love with someone I’ve known for years.
I’ve thought about various relationships I’ve had (especially the ‘I-can’t-quit-you-but-something-seems-off’ relationships). And I’ve wondered what it’d be like to just make the decision together to be in-love and exclusive for a while. Would that take the relationship to deeper level, to the point where it would just click and feel awesome for at least a few moments in time? It very well could, as long as we had compatible Love Languages and matching desires for what the relationship would be.
There has got to be a way to both keep the dread, sacrifice, and promises-of-forever out of a relationship, and to have the intention of giving it a safe, whole-hearted chance. Here it is: Project In-Love.
Warmly,