How to Date a Single Parent
I originally wrote this article on May 28, 2014.
Dating a single parent isn’t for everyone. If you are interested in someone who is a single parent, find out as much as possible up-front to see if you even want to ‘go there’.
Ages and Needs of Kids Matter
Of course, there’s a difference between dating someone with adult or later-teen kids who don’t alter the parent’s schedule and time much, versus kids who still need and want a great deal of parental involvement.
Values and Desires for a Relationship
Like with any relationship, make sure you share the same values and desires for a relationship. This will help you determine how worth-the-effort it will be to have a relationship with a single parent.
How You Feel about Children
To date a single parent, you don’t have to have kids of your own, you don’t have to be an over-the-top kid-lover, and you don’t have to want to be a parent.
But you do need to
Respect children as fellow humans.
Understand that the child-parent bond is strong.
Appreciate that caring for younger children takes precedence over tending to competent, capable adults–such as yourself.
If you agree and are still interested in dating a single parent, read on.
Parenting Objectives
What you need to find out, first of all, is the parent’s answers to these three questions–I will call the answers ‘parenting objectives’:
Why did you choose to be a parent?
What kind of relationship do you want with your child(ren)?
What do you want for your child(ren)?
If you don’t comprehend and respect the parent’s ‘parenting objectives,’ that is a red flag. I highly-recommend you do not date this person. If you try to change their answers, you are doing both parent and child a huge disservice and creating unnecessary strain and stress. Move on.
How You Fit In
Find out where you would fit into the parent’s life–both with and without kids. State what you are able and willing to do to fit in: 1-as a supporting role and 2-with your effort to be together and to stay in contact. More on this below.
Your Supporting Role
Parenting requires a lot of energy and, depending on the parent, can take up a lot of the parent’s time. Find out what kind of support the parent already has: their relatives, friends, groups and organizations. If they already have a lot of support, you likely won’t be filling as big of a role for them in this area as you would if they don’t have any support.
Find out what your support-role would be to assist the person with their ‘parenting objectives.. See my post called Ideas for Supporting a Single Parent for some ideas. If you want no part of being supportive in their parenting journey, then tell them that and ask them if they are still interested in dating you.
Before You Meet the Kids
It’s my suggestion that kids aren’t brought into the dating situation–unless it’s a family-friendly group setting–until a strong friendship is established between the two of you. Let the parent decide when the time is right, not you.
Kid-Free Time
How much kid-free time do they have? How do they feel about overnights on kid-free time? Are they willing to hire a sitter so you can spend time together? Can they take any vacation time with you?
Your Relationship Needs
Are you okay with the amount of real-life time you will have together, on the phone and texting/emailing; is this enough togetherness for you to want to have a committed relationship with this person? Will you need to supplement the relationship elsewhere because you need more? Let the parent know all of this. See my post called Ideas for Creating a Dating Relationship with a Single Parent so you can see how it is feasible to have a close, committed relationship with a single parent.
If You Want Your Own Kids
If you don’t have kids, but want your own kids, discuss this right away–the parent might not want to make/adopt and raise more children if they already have their own. Be sure to ask how their children would feel about having half-siblings.
Do You Want a Parenting Role?
If you are open to eventually having a parenting role with their kids, make sure that is okay with both parent and children. Then you need to find out if you agree with parenting styles. If you don’t want a parenting role, let the parent know that.
There are partnerships in which the biological parent does the parenting and the new partner stays clear of that and focuses on being an emotionally-supportive role for the parent. My aunt remarried when her younger two children were still at home; she and her partner each raised their own children in their own separate ways. It was successful and happy for all.
Where is the Other Biological/Adoptive Parent?
Remember to find out what kind of role the other biological/adoptive parent plays in both the parent’s and children’s lives; what do their relationships look like? Are things bitter and violent between them? Do they have a revolving door in each other’s homes and lives? Where do they live, how far away? How often do they see each other? Will you be welcomed as the parent’s friend? Make sure you are okay with their co-parenting situation before getting involved.
Honest Communication is a Must
As you can see, open, honest and thorough communication is a must when dating a single parent. Don’t get too involved before you’ve discussed everything in this post. It can be easy to say, ‘Yes, I can do it all!’ when you’re still riding on the excitement of meeting someone new. So, make sure you are real and honest with yourself and the parent.
Check out my other Single Parent articles:
Warmly,