How to Get to Know Someone
I originally wrote this article on August 9, 2015.
Getting to know someone shouldn’t feel like pulling teeth, coddling, babysitting or conducting an interrogation.
But yet it does when a person is either secretive or vague, or they just don’t think much about what they do and why they do it, or they are concerned about trying to be what the other wants them to be so they wait and then adjust their words and what they reveal according to what they think the other person wants.
When I’m getting to know someone, I like to talk about what I’m thinking and doing. I like to share my ideas, thoughts, and plans, as well as discuss why I believe and do as I do, and what led me to today and my lifestyle.
In other words, I like to honestly and openly present who I am to the people I want in my life, and to clarify anything people do not understand about me.
Sure, it can be fun and exciting to continue to learn about a person for several years. But the foundation of a person, their day-to-day life happenings, relationships, beliefs and choices should be revealed soon after meeting.
It is nice to know a lot about who a person is at the beginning, within the first few months, because it really sucks to invest a lot of time and energy into a person, only to find out months later that you aren’t a match; and if they would have just told you these things in the beginning you could have moved on right away.
The excitement of learning about a person should pertain to learning their idiosyncrasies and nuances (areas which they wouldn’t even think of in terms of words) as you spend time together, their ‘vibes’ and energy (including yours combined), how they grow daily, and how your relationship together grows and functions.
To help people get to know each other, I have come up with a list of questions. Each person can simply reveal this information to the other–not as someone being interrogated, but as someone who wants to share themselves with another. And, really, after the answers to these questions are revealed, these areas should be an on-going dialog for as long as you are involved with each other. Communication continues well after you’ve originally expressed your answers.
Inner life and personality:
What is your personality type, love language, astrology signs (especially sun, moon, and rising)? How do you think each of those assessments are accurate or inaccurate for you?
What makes you tick?
What keeps you going in life? In other words, why are you still here and why haven’t given up? Why do you want to get out of bed in the morning?
Do you believe you are worthy just for existing? Why or why not?
Why do you do what you do?
What overwhelms you?
What do you have a big ego about?
What do you procrastinate doing and why?
What are your strengths, gifts and talents?
What are your weaknesses, mistakes and downfalls?
Has anyone told you that you are in denial or ‘needy’? About what, in what ways? Do you think it’s true and why?
Has anyone ever told you it’s nerve-racking to be around you?
Has anyone ever told you that you seem lost?
What or who do you do your best to avoid?
What do you feel guilty about, if anything?
What role do emotions play in your life, decisions, choices, and relationships?
Are you a dreamer?
In what ways are you creative and/or innovative?
What personal-growth areas are you working on right now?
What do you still need to heal from (emotionally, mentally, or physically)?
What hurdles have you overcome (and healed) in life? How did you overcome them? How does this affect your life today?
What would you like to change in your life?
Have you ever been to, or thought about going to, counseling? Why? For what?
What are your beliefs and thoughts about the following and why:
political issues
freedom (personal freedom, freedom as a nation, etc.)
religion
health and well-being
manners
Where does your personal-responsibility begin and end (in areas such as your life choices, your relationships, and your health)?
Do you consider yourself to be independent? In which ways?
What are your beliefs and thoughts about dating, commitment, marriage, long-distance relationships, monogamy, and open relationships? Which do you want for yourself?
What are your thoughts on money? Do you struggle with money? Do you give money away? Do you loan people money? Do people give or loan you money?
Does anyone owe you anything? If you do something for someone, do they owe you?
How do you deal with favors? Would you consider yourself to be a transaction-based person?
Are you a people-pleaser? A doormat? An ass-kisser? A fake? If yes, for/with whom and why?
Is there anyone for whom you would drop what you’re doing at their request? Who? How often does this happen?
Do you blame anything or anyone for how you are and how you live right now?
What makes you feel valued? What makes you feel important? What makes you feel appreciated? What makes you feel heard? What makes you feel understood?
What scares you?
What is the very worst that could happen to you?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
What is holding you back from getting what you want?
If you could be any celebrity, who would you be and why (one male and one female)?
What does your dream life look and feel like?
What are your hobbies?
Do you do projects slowly or quickly?
Are you type A or B: at work, away from work, at home, in public?
How do you feel about going to work?
Are you into drama? If so, what kind?
Are you nervous or anxious?
What are some of your favorite things to do, and why? How often do you do these things?
Where are some of your favorite places to be, and why? How often do you spend time in those places? What do you do with your down time?
How do you feel about doing nothing and about silence?
What kind of distractions do you have?
Are you easily distracted by people walking by, by any sort of motion, etc.?
How much alone time do you need each day?
Do you like to be understood? Do you like to understand the people you invest time in?
Do people tend to give you things? If so, who gives you things, what do they give you, and how frequently?
Do some people feel sorry for or pity you? Why or why not?
For what or whom would you fight for to-the-death?
Home life and using your time:
What are your daily, weekly, monthly and annual commitments?
Do you live with anyone? If so, what kind of relationship do you have with them and how often do you spend time together?
What do you do when you walk in the door from work, from an outing?
How do you feel about owning and buying things?
How often do you shop, for what, and where?
Are you collector?
Do you hold onto things in case you might need them one day?
Do you hold onto things for memories’ sake?
Do you store other people’s items for them? If so, why?
What are your beliefs about cooking, cleaning, organizing, decluttering? Do you need others to do these things for you? If so, do you hire them or do you think they should do it because they owe you?
How do you feel about running errands?
How do you respond to messes?
What do you do for exercise, how often and where?
Do you drive and/or own a car?
Which, if any, social media applications do you use, for what, and how often?
If you have a cell phone, what do you use it for and how often?
What TV programs do you watch and how frequently? Are you okay with missing those programs?
How often do you watch movies? Where do you watch them? What genres do you like and what are some of your favorite movies from each genre?
What do you read, including online, and how frequently?
What music do you listen to and when?
Do you like having company at your home? Who, how frequently, and what do you do?
Community involvement and social life:
What does each day look like for you, from when you wake up until you fall asleep at night?
Do you belong to any clubs, organizations, churches, or religions? Why? What do you get out of belonging to each of them?
What rituals, traditions and services do you participate in? Why?
Which holidays do you celebrate; how do you celebrate, with whom, and why?
How do you celebrate your own birthday? Do you expect others to celebrate with you? If so, whom, how and why?
Do you travel? If so, is it recreational or work-related? How frequently? Where do you go, what do you do, and with whom?
Do you enjoy entertaining? Who, how frequently, and what do you do?
In what ways do you depend on other people and who are those people?
Do you enjoy chit-chatting with strangers?
Do you need strangers to smile at you, greet you, talk to you? Why?
Do you like to people-watch? Do you believe people out in the world are meant to be watched and/or admired, or otherwise judged, by you?
Do you have any crushes? Who and why?
When you are with someone who you dating or close to, do you like to talk with them about who you find attractive and appealing, or do you like to keep it to yourself? Why?
Do you enjoy arguments and debates?
Do you zip past traffic or do you wait your turn?
Do you hold doors open for people?
Are you protective? How and with whom?
How important to you is communication with people you care about? How do you define ‘good’ communication? In what frequency? Using which methods?
Do you like having physical contact with people who aren’t your partner? Whom, what kind and where?
Do you believe there is such thing as creating ‘quality’ time in relationships? Or do you think that ‘quality’ cannot be contrived, and that it’s most important to spend a lot of consecutive time together?
What was the longest relationship you have been in?
Why did each of your relationships end? Why do each of your exes say the relationships ended?
What did/do you like best about the relationships you’ve had? What did/do you like the least?
What kind of relationship did your parents have? How did they treat each other? Do you admire their relationship, or do you hope to have one better than they had?
Do you feel connected with your roots, ancestors, family history? Why?
Which relatives do you have daily, weekly, or monthly interactions with?
What kind of interactions (phone calls, texts, emails, real-life meetings), when and where?
What kind of relationship do you have with each of these people?
What do each of them mean to you?
What do you have in common with them as the person who you are today?
Do you ever interact with them out of guilt or obligation? Why or why not?
Which friends from childhood do you have daily, weekly, or monthly interactions with?
What kind of interactions (phone calls, texts, emails, real-life meetings), when and where?
What kind of relationship do you have with each of these people?
What do each of them mean to you?
What do you have in common with them as the person who you are today?
Do you ever interact with them out of guilt or obligation? Why or why not?
Which other friends, acquaintances, and neighbors do you have daily, weekly, or monthly interactions with?
What kind of interactions (phone calls, texts, emails, real-life meetings), when and where?
What kind of relationship do you have with each of these people?
What do each of them mean to you?
What do you have in common with them as the person who you are today?
Do you ever interact with them out of guilt or obligation? Why or why not?
Which coworkers do you have daily, weekly, or monthly interactions with?
What kind of interactions (phone calls, texts, emails, real-life meetings), when and where?
What kind of relationship do you have with each of these people?
What do each of them mean to you?
What do you have in common with them?
Do you ever interact with them out of guilt or obligation? Why or why not?
If you have children, describe the kind of relationship you have with each of them.
How often do you see them?
Why did you have kids (answer the questions in this blog post)?
What have you learned from your kids?
What kind of relationship do you want with each of them in the future?
What role do animals play in your life?
Do you need your close friend or partner to want to be around your pets?
Do you believe everyone should love your pets as much as you do?
How do you respond when someone doesn’t want your pet on or near them; do you respect that or do you try to force the person to like your pet?
Potential intimate partner:
What kind of physical contact do you like to have with your partner, frequency and locations?
What type of communication are you open to pertaining to sex?
What is foreplay to you?
How do emotions and bonding relate to sex?
What are your thoughts and needs pertaining to sex?
Do you have any questions to add to this list? I’m sure I will come up with more questions and will add them when I do.
I wish for all of us to have fulfilling and inspirational relationships with honesty and openness.
Warmly,