Dad Wants Kids to Be Happy for His Leaving
I originally wrote this article on July 25, 2015.
Below is a conversation with a dad who left his kids and wife for a new wife and her kids.
What we all can get out of this discussion is to realize that we cannot make another person feel what they do not feel. We cannot look to others for our own happiness.
Bill: I need your help in getting my minor-aged kids to respect my choices in finding a new wife and moving into her home and with her kids. My kids should be happy for me that I found happiness.
Amy: Of course we both know that we can’t change other people. But I would love to talk to you about your side of things, and to support you in feeling better and getting what it is you want.
Bill: Well, the other people are my kids. They are children.
Amy: Are you saying that you can force your children to feel something they do not?
Bill: No, but they have a choice about how they feel. They’ve been choosing to disrespect me, my new wife, my wife’s kids, and our home.
Amy: Let’s get back to your original statement. You want your children to respect your choices and to be happy for you that you’ve made those choices.
Bill: Yep. They should.
Amy: When you believe they should, how does that make you feel?
Bill: It makes me angry. It makes me think my kids are selfish and spoiled brats. I don’t care about not seeing them because I don’t want to be around selfish kids.
Amy: How does it feel thinking your own kids are selfish and spoiled brats?
Bill: It feels shitty. It makes me wonder what I can do to make them see the light.
Amy: So, your believing your kids should respect your choices and be happy for you makes you feel angry, shitty, out-of-control, and detached from your kids. Is that correct?
Bill: Yes. But they are detaching themselves…
Amy: Who would you be, what would you feel, without your thoughts, ‘My kids should respect my choices and be happy for me’?
Bill: <after a long pause> I would be more relaxed. I would be happy for myself. I would be able to see my kids just as they are, regardless of what I’m doing.
Amy: Do you think you’d be more inclined to want to see your kids if you were more relaxed, happy for yourself, and if you saw your kids just as they are?
Bill: <another pause> Yes. I think I would.
Amy: Now can you see where you have all the control: right there in your mind, with the beliefs you are holding onto?
Remember a few moments earlier how you said your children ‘have a choice about how they feel’? Remember you also said they have been choosing to disrespect?
Can you see how it’s you who has a choice in how you feel? Can you see how it’s you who has been choosing to be angry, shitty, out-of-control, and detached from your kids?
Bill: But…
Amy: Bill, take a look inside.
Bill: Yeah, what you said is true. I don’t want to deal with that. It’s easier to blame the kids.
Amy: Do you suppose you are blaming your kids to distract yourself from some guilt you might have for leaving?
Bill: I hate to admit it. But I think that’s what has been going on.
Amy: That’s understandable. I suggest you deal with the guilt you feel because, as you are experiencing, it creeps into other areas of your life and blinds you to what is really going on. Check out my blog post called ‘The Basics‘ for a little more on this. And contact me if you want any assistance processing guilt.
Bill: So now what do I do about my kids? I think I’ve made a big mess.
Amy: Meet with your kids away from your new family and new home, and ask them what they want. Really listen. Say very little because sometimes speaking can make us focus on our own words rather than listening.
Bill: Okay. I will give it a shot.
Amy: Thank you for your vulnerability. And for being there for yourself–because if you won’t, who will?
Bill: Yeah. I’m starting to realize that. Thanks.
Warmly,