How to Uncover Authentic Self
Safe Places and Higher Powers for younger parts of ourselves
In EMDR and Attachment-Focused Trauma Therapy, one method used is where clients (we) come up with a "Safe Place" and "Higher Power" for each relevant Child/Adolescent part of Self. By “relevant“ I mean the ages which we recall or believe we experienced trauma. The idea behind this is that these traumatized younger parts of ourselves can tend to try to help us as adults—even though it’s better we function as adults.
We invent a separate Safe Place and a Higher Power (comforting person, animal, or thing) for each of the ages of parts which we think we would have liked at each of those ages.
A few times a day, we can imagine “tucking in” each of those parts, reminding them that they never have to go back to where they came from. The intention is to make the younger parts feel secure so they no longer need to help us as adults.
My use of this method
I did this method and exercise as I was taught it. I created Safe Places and Safe People for the following ages: infancy+, 7, 12, 16, 18, and 36.
However, what I found most useful about this exercise was my visualizing being emotionally and physically safe to be my authentic self, without the trauma and without the coping mechanisms needed to survive while dealing with dysfunction and abuse.
It was very eye-opening for me. Throughout my life, I’ve been told by family, partners and others many negative things about myself—many of which I believed (especially throughout childhood and young adulthood).
In visualizing myself at various ages in nurturing environments with nurturing, loving, affectionate, welcoming, and approachable people who valued and protected me, I was brought to tears. I saw who I authentically am.
My Authentic Self
Here are traits I remembered about myself from this exercise:
If I don't know what I'm doing, I need time and space to figure it out; and to be safe while I'm figuring it out.
Finding my way so I can learn
Humble
Genuine
Sincere
Gentle
Sensitive
Appreciative and grateful
Down-to-earth
Minimalist in my needs
Value simplicity and low drama
Not competitive besides when it was fun for all involved
Non-invasive or intrusive
Try to not inconvenience others
Calm and peaceful
Loyal
Resilient
Motivated and driven
Productive
Creative, idea-creater and problem-solver
Stand for honor, respect, dignity
Not harmful or malicious
Don’t mock or gaslight others
Don’t intentionally cause hurtful feelings
Apologize if I make a mistake
Trustworthy
Honest and transparent
Conscientious
Ethical
Principled
Respectful
Compassionate
Considerate
Communicative
Aware and conscious
Of my actions
Of others' feelings
Of what needs to be done
Watchful for evil
Content within myself
A wise, old soul
Accepting of others, yet use discernment as to who I allow in my space
Interested in a very small social circle of relatives and close friends
Protective of and value people who matter to me
Ensure others feel a sense of belonging and involvement
Disinterested in performing, being showy, having an audience, or getting attention from those who aren’t my loved ones
Enjoy being giving, helpful and useful
Explain, teach and listen to create, connection, harmony and collaboration
Share with others what I know and what I’m good at
Concerned about other’s struggles and challenges
And enjoy myself being this way and enjoy my life
Bullying of My Authentic Self
For as long as I remember, I was bullied for these very traits—including by my own parents, to this day. By bullying, I mean, teased, mocked, ridiculed, gaslit, excluded, threatened, stonewalled, smeared, back-stabbed, lied to, manipulated, cheated on, exploited, etc.
I have been thinking about why I was bullied. It was probably due to my
Being quiet
Having feelings, needs, perspectives, opinions, and thoughts of my own
Being unique
Being sensitive
Being gentle
Being caring
Being empathetic and conscious
Not knowing something
Not knowing or doing something quickly enough
I think my traits caused some people to see me as seeming innocent and vulnerable. As such, they saw me as
old-fashioned
naive
dorky
dumb
wimpy
a threat to how they felt about themselves
making them jealous and competitive with me
wanting to harm me
easy to take advantage of
as a distraction
as their scapegoat, whipping boy to project their crap onto
The bullying made me feel forced to be
in competitions in which I didn’t want to be
hyper-vigilant to threats
responsive to, and involved with, experiences in which I wasn’t interested
The bullying made me feel like I had two main options
shut down, be invisible, and endure their bullying
defend myself
I wasn’t allowed to defend myself with my parents and siblings.
defending myself took the form of
justifying and explaining myself
trying to prove my intelligence and abilities
seeming tough
seeming cold and noncaring
Self-Consciousness
All the bullying made me self-conscious of my authentic Self. I remember thinking as a teenager that I was missing out on important information. I felt naive and old-fashioned. As a result, I ended up doing things that were acceptable by the mainstream, thinking that was where the missing links resided.
Of course, hindsight, that was not the answer.
A Third Option: Coming Back Home to Me
What I have recognized is that all the traits I saw in myself when looking back in time, my authentic traits, are still within me.
I see that the issue was that, when bullied, I haven’t known how to simultaneously
keep my dignity and
continue being my authentic Self
Now I know. I can both have dignity and enjoy being my Self—regardless of my circumstances and the people around me.
And, of course, I can have no response to, and get away from, people who bully me.
How about you?
Try this method to learn about your Authentic Self.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.