Job as a Relationship Substitute?

I was involved with someone who has been alone most of adulthood. The past relationships this person did have in adulthood were quite childish arrangements between two immature adults mostly just goofing off and creating drama together—so those don’t really count to me in terms of having a partner and someone else to consider and be accountable to in choices, etc. Also, this person went several years without being involved with anyone, per se.

I asked this person about not ever really having a relationship, and asked what filled the void of that. I never got a straight answer, mostly just denial.

In time, I could see that this person’s job actually was a faux version of a relationship. And, in time, I saw how this was a job at a company where many emotional boundaries were crossed; codependency and the fostering and enabling of limited boundaries ran rampant. (A feeding ground for emotional cheaters, con-artists, frauds, chameleons/shape-shifters, dismissive avoidants, commitment-dodgers, and attention-seekers, to be sure.)

As such, this person didn’t seem concerned with being emotionally all-in with our relationship nor with really seeing me. Being at work for this person was much like a hard-drug user loving his/her meaningless drug more than loving another person (let alone, authentically caring about him/herself)—the drug high removes the motivation to authentically and spiritually-connect with someone else.

Note: I don’t think a company has to be as blatant in their encouragement of nonprofessional, weak-boundaries type of interactions and relationships in order for employees to use their jobs as a substitute or supplement for a committed partnership.

Also, we can easily replace the word job and company for any applicable organization or community.

A faux relationship at a job can include

• emotional bonding with coworkers and with bosses

  • using company-provided instant messaging and emails

    • figuratively passing private notes between each other

    • creating private jokes and sharing secrets between each other

  • creating closeness with, and emotional dependency, on one another under the guise of team building

    • company-facilitated, non-work-related events, meetings and otherwise goofing off together

      - loved ones are excluded

    • getting-to-know-you, show-and-tell meetings

      - appropriate for romantic couples, but not for work

  • each employee is guaranteed to belong to the community due to being in close proximity with one another several hours a week

  • captive audiences for those who crave attention and being seen

• bosses playing the role pseudo parents

  • immature hand-holding, coddling, covering-asses, and ego-fluffing of favorite staff

  • coworkers secretly rebelling against and complaining about bosses

    • coworkers bonding as siblings or lovers

• bonding via gossiping and supporting the community and cult dynamic

  • we’re all in this together

  • hive mind / group think

  • emotionally supporting each other as part of the community

  • creating alliances: back-stabbing and being two-faced in order to be accepted by each person

  • trash-talking of and complaining about loved ones

  • idealizing and idolizing of co-workers

    • based on who is popular and favored by others

    • based on the hive-mind loyalty to the community

    • protecting, guarding, and defending the members of the community against those not at the company (with other real-life loved ones, etc.)

• living in a vacuum

  • the job is a secret-compartment lifestyle

  • mimics the experience of an intentional community / commune / cult

  • allows each employee to create an image applicable only in the vacuum and community

  • everything takes place in a safe and private-bubble of the company

  • no one on the outside of the company is included

  • what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

  • a breeding ground for cheating and betrayal

• the entire environment creates a simulation of

  • being part of simulated emotional relationships, with its simulated challenges and joys

  • simulating the fulfilment of relationship and emotional needs with each individual, one another, and the company “family”

    • security

    • protection

    • belonging

    • having purpose

    • care and concern

    • loyalty and devotion

    • connection

    • interdependency

    • co-creating

    • investment

    • familiarity and history

    • continuity

      - the structure of the community continues on even when one employee is replaced by another

Of course, as grown adults, behaving like this at work is a choice. With that choice comes sacrifice of being of good character, and of having an authentic, meaningful, loving partnership with real, deep connection and collaboration.

Also, as grown adults, to be in a partnership with someone who behaves like this at work is a choice. It’s certainly one of my deal-breakers. How about for you?

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.