More on Deal-Breakers

I have a blog post about the importance of honoring your deal-breakers.

Your deal-breakers are yours. You have your needs, desires and standards for each relationship. No one can tell you differently.

If someone isn’t on the same page as you, then walk away. They aren’t interested in you that way. They aren’t interested in that type of relationship or contract with you.

Even if they say they are in agreement, their actions, behaviors, priorities and choices will show you the truth.

Don’t fall for a person forcing themselves to not do something that they really want to do. Don’t fall for a person forcing themselves to do something they don’t want to do. They have to want the change and make it happen—because they want to be that kind of person with those kinds of morals, etc.

“‘Why are you doing the thing the sixth time that I've told you five times I don't want you to do? Why is it still happening at that point in the relationship?’

You could say, ' Well, you can't tell your girlfriend what to do.' No.

So let me explain something to you about two human beings, living together: The first time I say to you--let's keep [the example] safe, 'I don't want you eating vanilla ice cream. I just don't want you eating vanilla ice cream.'

The first time I say that to you, [do] you know what you can say?

[You could say,] 'Mate, I don't know what your problem with vanilla ice cream is, but I'm going to keep eating it and if you don't like it, we're splitting up.'

You can do that on the first go. Anybody can do that. That's called consent. That's informed consent.

'I do not want you to eat vanilla ice cream.'

[He/she says,] 'Well, I'm going to eat vanilla ice cream.'

Okay, we're an impasse. Let's split up.

Five times of me saying, 'Don't eat vanilla ice cream. I don't like it. You know why I don't like it, don't you?'

[He/she says,] 'Yeah I know, I know. Nobody should eat vanilla ice cream, should they?'

The argument could be chatting to ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, liking other people's posts on Instagram, hanging out with somebody that you...the social media thing like chatting to ex-boyfriends, chatting to other fellas, liking other fellas’ photos… whatever the 'vanilla ice cream' is. That's a bannable offense. Like, we're breaking up.

Five times. No. You just say to the person, 'Listen, we're coming from two different things.'

Then you just leave. Don't let yourself be befuddled with people's bullshit. It's very simple. This is my boundary for me in relationships—[whether] it's a romantic relationship or with your boss or with an employee or in a family or with anybody. You just go, 'I'm not doing this.’

[If she/he says,] 'Well, I do that with everyone else.’

'Really don't give a [ __ ]. I'm not doing it and if you keep doing it, I'm off.'

But you have to stick to it. It's not about bullying your partner. It's about finding common ground and compromise.

If the person you're with, or the person you're dealing with, isn't going to compromise and doesn't see things your way…

Other people who I have told that to, other fellas, I have told that to [have said,] 'Hell, that's a bit harsh.'

I'm like, 'Well, I’m not [doing those things], why should you? That's a personal choice. You can set that choice and if you think that's too high, or you think it's too low or whatever, then you just go. Maybe I'm in the wrong Century… or I'm a [ __ ] weirdo, but those the rules. That's it. You don't like it then, you know, that's fine. That's called consent.’

There is no such thing as a relationship ever, where you don't have rules. All relationships operate from rules. When those rules are consistently transgressed, you have said to the person, 'I'm not comfortable doing this. I don't want to do this. I don't like this. This is what I want to keep the relationship. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that.’

Then the relationship is going to be terminated if the other person doesn't respect those boundaries.

My hope for you is that you can have the strength to see the situation for what it really is. If you've consistently told somebody not to do something because you really don't like it and [they] keep doing it, you've never seen them take on negative feedback from anybody and make a positive change as a result of it, they're consistently disregarding your needs and your wants. I know it's painful to hear especially when the termination of the relationship is going to be costly, and it is going to be painful. But you're better off hearing it now than later. You can always get help...”

- Rich Grannon

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.