Maintaining Challenging Relationships
There are many circumstances that call for staying in challenging, troubled, dysfunctional or even toxic relationships—frequently due to responsibilities, obligations and life-altering conveniences which help with said responsibilities and obligations.
(Lives being threatened is not one of these circumstances, which should go without saying.)
Make it a priority for you to have peace, dignity, and integrity. This is your responsibility to create.
Here is how to create a peaceful environment and life for yourself and your dependents while in a challenging relationship:
Take responsibility for your portion of the problems:
Establish boundaries for yourself. Say ‘no’ when it’s right for you.
Know the difference between your giving a dirty look, or a punishing, jabbing comment; and simply being firm & direct with what is right for yourself.
Nip-it-the-bud: quickly apologize for reactions which you aren’t proud of and aren’t dignified, as they occur.
Don’t count on the other person changing. It is futile.
You must stop complaining to the other person.
You must stop explaining yourself to, or trying to teach, the other person.
once you’ve directly told the other person the problems you have with the relationship and their actions
once it’s clear that the other person doesn’t care that you have problems with the relationship
once it’s clear the other person doesn’t have a sincere, very-obvious drive and interest in changing & growing
You must stop being emotionally-vulnerable & exposing yourself (your heart-felt concerns & efforts) to the other person.
Doing so only gives them more fuel for excuses, blame & hurting you.
Assume that they do not and never will care about your emotions, feelings, needs & desires.
Know the difference between what is directly messing with your life, and what is simply the other person having different beliefs, morals, desires and goals than you have.
Remember, if the other person genuinely cared about how you felt, and believed a relationship includes two people working together in creating mutually-acceptable lives, then you wouldn’t be labeling this relationship as ‘challenging,’ etc. in the first place. So you can bank on their doing plenty of things you don’t agree with or like.
Do not, I repeat, do not try to punish & reprimand the other person:
by doing immoral things (stealing, cheating, sabotaging, slandering, etc.)
by doing disrespectful things you would not normally do if you were in an emotionally-supportive, healthy relationship
Don’t sabotage the household, family & responsibilities which also affect you and your children.
Don’t disregard the other person’s Bill of Rights and natural law.
You still are you, and have to live with yourself; your actions always reflect your character—regardless of what others do to you.
Be wise, use common sense, be responsible: always protect yourself and loved ones from harm.
Heal yourself.
You attracted this person into your life due to your own personal issues.
Figure out where you went wrong, how you duped yourself, so you know what needs healing.
Forgive yourself for choosing this relationship.
When you are triggered by the other person, see this as a guidepost, pointing out an area inside of you which needs to be healed.
Know yourself.
Know exactly what you want & need.
For self-awareness & to have integrity
To have grounds to stand on, within yourself, when you establish boundaries
Be helpful in the relationship & home when you can do so with no strings attached—when you, and you alone, can appreciate your being helpful, in-and-of-itself.
In order for you to not have blackmail, martyr, passive-aggressive energy within yourself, keep your mouth shut about your helpfulness, don’t expect appreciation from the other person.
Appreciate & show gratitude to the other person for the times they are helpful:
For example: their doing helpful tasks, having clear communication, making life easier, allowing for you to have space, etc.
Don’t see this as compromising yourself or rewarding the other person; but rather, it’s your keeping the peace, being dignified, intentional and mature.
Do everything you need to do in order to not lash out and/or react to the other person.
Take responsibility for your own actions, words, behaviors, needs & energy you send off.
Dismiss yourself when you need to.
Get away from triggering scenarios.
Establish self-care activities you enjoy doing, and start doing one of them as soon as you feel discomfort creeping in from being triggered.
Reading, writing, singing, walking, floor exercising and stretching, writing, take a hot bath or shower, listening to podcasts with earbuds, etc.
Some of these activities should be applicable for the times when you can’t get away, such as when you’re in the car together, at a social event, or in public:
- going through to-do lists in your head, planning out your time, coming up with ideas and steps for goals, visualizing ideas for making your home better or tasks to be more streamlined, etc.
Set up a room or a corner of your home as your get-away, peaceful retreat.
If you have children or other dependents, just be with or around, them & feel your stress wash off of your body as you appreciate the wonder of life—seeing this time as a sort of meditation rather than worrying about being productive.
Come up with a list of automatic yes’s in your relationship.
This is a mutually-agreed-upon list that defines your relationship.
This gives you grounds to stand on in your relationship.
Anything not on this list should not be an expectation of the other person.
Use this exercise to help create the automatic yes’s list.
Require both yourself & the other person to each use your words:
Read this article for guidance.
Speak clearly and directly when you have a request to make:
Pause with yourself first to figure out exactly what it is you want.
- When you are sure about what specifically you want, your request won’t have all sorts of emotion, drama & charge attached to it.
Be realistic. Remember who you’re dealing with.
Do not make vague, unrealistic requests, such as ‘I want respect,’ ‘I want to be heard,’ ‘I want to be loved,’ ‘I want to be close,’ ‘I want to have affection,’ ‘I want a good relationship.’
- These types of statements are conversation, trouble-shooting topics reserved for someone who cares about you, themselves & the relationship—i.e. irrelevant to this challenging relationship.
Concisely state exactly what it is that you would like from the other person:
- one specific action
- help with one specific task
- an answer to a specific question
Accept ‘no’ or silence as an answer & then immediately back off.
Get used to the discomfort from your saying ‘no’ so you will not avoid saying ‘no’ when you mean it.
Make it a general rule for yourself to not say more to the other person than you have to:
unless it’s a required for practical functions
When you’re up for it, say non-annoying, non-triggering pleasantry & jokes to help lighten things up for yourself.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.