Missing the Me Who Loves Like ‘That’
Something that has made it difficult for me to let go of people who I have loved is that it has meant I’ve also have at to let go of the part of me who has loved each of those people so deeply. This includes both romantic and familial kinds of love, respectively, at different times and chapters in my life—starting in early childhood.
It’s like having a talent as a painter and having all the paints and tools to paint with, but not being able to apply them to a legitimate, inviting, receptive canvas of possibility. Sure, there might be pieces of newspaper and toilet paper on which could technically be painted. But there’s nothing like having a stretched canvas on which to apply the artistic creativity and passion.
It’s kind of like that. But further, well-beyond my simply finding a receiver for my love, it’s that I actually
selected these specific people for their unique traits, quirks, idiosyncrasies and many other special traits (which they probably don’t even notice about themselves, nor do others) which I adore, highly-value, and find precious;
the collaboration and investment I believed we could create and share together;
my resulting desire to be uniquely and deeply close and connected with specifically them.
When I have (rarely) felt this way about a person, it’s like my heart is bubbling over with love and I want to give it all to them. It feels infinite, and only creates more love within me. It feeds my soul.
In a sense, loving someone for me feels like I’m going 100 miles an hour in appreciation, gratitude and fulfillment in life—as I am living an expression of who I am to the core.
To discover that I actually had been loving the wrong person—and even a harmful person without morals, values, principles and integrity—is like having to slam on the breaks from going 100 miles an hour, down to a stand-still. It’s a very painful experience.
It takes time to recalibrate: mentally, physically, spiritually and spiritually.
And then there’s the huge issue that such people have said or could say, “You sure didn’t act like you loved me that much. You were distant. You called me out on things you didn’t like.” and so forth. Those scapegoating comments were very effective with me, as far as silencing and guilting me…until I finally recognized that it was their lack of morals, values, principles and integrity which didn’t line up with my kind of love.
It took decades for me to recognize I was dealing with people whose consciouses allowed lying, cheating, manipulation, trickery, and devotion to shallow. My intuition and relationship standards were pointing to things being very wrong in these relationships—even though I tried to brush it aside. Legitimately, however, it’s what subconsciously prevented me from fully expressing my love: I was essentially loving very unsafe people. My body knew it. My spirit knew it. But I just didn’t want it to be so.
Also, it took me decades to see that these people without high morals, values, principles and integrity will never be able to care about and value this kind of love. They only are capable of valuing superficial (or even nothingness); as such, they could never come close to reciprocating deep love, if at all.
That I couldn’t fully express my love to these people also simulated the experience of being cut off from being myself and who I am.
Letting these people go, with all the love I feel for them, all the love I cannot express and give to those who I feel love for, has felt like I’ve had to cut off essential parts of myself.
I’ve found that many people don’t know about this kind of love. In their naivety, they call it all sorts of negative terms: co-dependency, obsession, too exclusive, controlling, etc. To me, this is as irrational as declaring that a person who is really gifted in a certain area is screwed up for being that gifted and they need to spread themselves thin to be an expert at nothing and to not really care about much.
I have finally learned to highly-value my ability, desire, need, and my gift to be able to love this deeply.
Even so, I’ve yet to figure out what to do with the large part of me who actually is this type of love. Stay tuned; I will figure and heal this dilemma as I’ve figured out and healed so many others.
I miss this part of me who has loved those people so much and my heart aches that I could never and will never be able to let my love overflow onto and embrace them. And even if I could, it has been painful to accept they wouldn’t want it anyway (even the ones who lied to themselves about wanting it).
Don't open your heart to the wrong person.
I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please.
Song of Solomon 8:4 (KJV)
Life lesson learned: I finally am waiting for the people who live on this deeper level before I open my heart to love them this way.
And all this time that you've been waiting
You don't have to wait no more
I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move heaven and Earth
If you were my girl
I can give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything
That's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that
I never make a promise
I don't intend to keep
So when I say forever
Forever's what I mean
Well I'm no Casanova
But I swear this much is true
I'll be holding nothing back
When it comes to you
You dream of love that's everlasting
Well baby open up your eyes
If you want tenderness
I got tenderness
And I see through
To the heart of you
If you want a man
Who will understand
You don't have to look very far
I can love you- by Steve Diamond, Maribeth Derry, Jennifer Kimball
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