Partnership While Parenting
I originally wrote this article on August 21, 2014.
When deciding to have children with someone, or choosing to be in a relationship with someone with children, each adult is volunteering to make the children the priority.
The children didn’t choose to be here; the parent made that decision. In making the decision to bring another human into the world, the parent is automatically signing up for being responsible for that child and ensuring the child has their needs met. It’s a big deal.
Most adults of child-rearing age can meet many, if not all, of their own needs. Obviously, children cannot.
So, who do I think comes first? The children. And, simultaneously, the main caretaker of the children. The one with the least contact with the children needs to find a way to fit into the mix; it’s really in everyone’s best interests for that person to be supportive to the main caretaker and to not create additional stress for the household.
What’s in it for the caretaker’s support person? Love and growth. If that doesn’t rock their world, parenting is going to be even more challenging. I touch on this at the end of this article.
If feeling and giving love to the people who care about you, and growing and learning about yourself, doesn’t make life worth living for you, you probably don’t want to have kids or to be involved with someone who has kids…
…Unless you want to pass most of the child-rearing to others to do on your behalf. If you choose that route, and want to make your partner your priority, invest time and energy in hiring your childcare team together.
I will speak to those who have chosen to do most, if not all, of the child-rearing themselves.
How do two adults with children maintain a close relationship?
Be in agreement that raising kids is a huge and important responsibility you willingly chose. Continue to choose it in each moment.
Discuss your parenting objectives and your living styles. Find out which areas and tasks you each enjoy doing. Don’t expect the other person to do stuff you believe in, yet you hate doing yourself. For the things neither of you enjoy doing, there’s no need for it to feel like a punishment; decide to do those things together, make it fun, use it as bonding time and even as a date (more on this below).
Live your beliefs. When both parties are doing what they believe in and enjoy–or at least are open to growing from, and letting-go-of-resistance to, those areas–then the likelihood of resentment is significantly less and appreciation is authentic.
Let go of anything and everyone else which stands in the way of your peace. Parenting takes a lot of time and energy. Add to that, being conscious with your partner, and you can’t afford for anything to drag you down.
Don’t critique. If you’re not the primary caretaker, don’t critique the performance of the caretaker and don’t make them feel guilty that they aren’t working a paid job. Just as it wouldn’t be helpful to you if they showed up at your job, assessed everything you do and say there, critiqued how organized or not you are, and determined if you do your job up to their own standards.
Don’t nag. If you are the primary caretaker, don’t harp on the other parent when they get home. Let them do what they need to do to recharge and switch gears. Reference your discussions about what you each like to have and do in parenting and lifestyle.
Look at the other adult as a person. Look in their eyes. Be curious about who they are and what they want in life. Appreciate that you get to be in their presence and do life together. This doesn’t require much time or effort–just a minute or two out of your whole day. You don’t even need to say the words (sometimes words can be exhausting when being pulled in all directions), just feel it.
Be in communication. After I just said how hard it can be to form words while parenting, this deserves a chuckle. Don’t expect deep conversations as you all are switching gears and transitioning. When the work-for-pay parent gets home, the energy in the house changes. Or when the family has been busy with errands, the energy changes once home. Allow things to settle before diving into discussions. Make sure everyone has eaten; low blood-sugar can equate to crabbiness and bickering. The best time to talk is after the kids feel like they’ve established connection with both parents. Be creative about when and where you can talk. Here’s an example for how to fit in communication: Go to a playground where the kids can play or you can push them on the swings; you can talk as you roam around the playground. Check in with each other frequently about your relationship, feelings, concerns, and needs; this helps to ensure that neither of you will disappear within your partnership.
Don’t expect each other to be Barbie or Ken. If she never wears makeup, so what? If you wear sweats to work, so what? Find beauty in each others’ dedication and loyalty; there’s nothing hotter than that.
Be affectionate. Affection while going about day-to-day life is not only a great expression of love and appreciation towards each other, it is easy to do with kids around or on top of you. Frequent affection can also act as long-going foreplay. When you eventually have sex (if you both want sex, that is), it won’t feel as hurried because the sex itself will be just one part, a continuation of, the intimacy you share the rest of the time. When you get some spare moments, you can dart into the bathroom or other private space. Sometimes it’s nice to not have to dart; but one day, the kids won’t be around you all the time. And then you can lay in bed together for days if you want.
Give up the idea of ‘quality’ time. Quality cannot be contrived or forced. You either are together or you are not. You either are present in the moment or not. Be authentic with who you are. Remind yourself that this moment is really all there is; and you get to choose how to live each moment. But don’t waste your time feeling guilty; just fully take responsibility for all of your choices and change what you don’t like.
Alter your definition of a date. After having kids, to me, a good date is washing dishes together or sitting next to each other holding hands. To some, this might sound pitiful. To me, it sounds heavenly and fabulous that I can find value and love in such simple things (read: low-maintenance and efficient). Sure, I love eating at a foodie-friendly restaurant; but that’s not as important to me as just being together and especially simultaneously being available to my kids and getting things done (such as chores or rest and relaxation).
Redefine what it means to love someone. Let go of your teenage and pre-kids definitions of a good relationship. Recognize that raising kids can force one to slow way down in life and to completely surrender to each moment. Children are great teachers and show us exactly what we can address within ourselves in order to love ourselves and have authentically-fulfilling lives. Think of parenting as a several-year Zen retreat. And feel blessed that you get to do this together.
Remember that life isn’t segmented: family time is also couple-bonding time. Fall in love all over again with the person across the field carrying your kid on his shoulders. Look in awe at the woman who can read the subtlest of cues from your kids.
Make learning about yourself be your main objective in life. This helps to appreciate any and every moment. Even during a sucky moment, I know at least I’m learning about myself. Learning about myself is never a waste of my time.
Remind each other that this phase in life won’t last for forever. It’s just one chapter of many. Eek out as much growth from it as you can while it lasts. Your growth, self-knowledge and self-love stay with you for forever.
What if you’re interested in a single parent, but none of the above sounds good to you? Move on. That’s the best advice I can give you. Find someone who doesn’t have kids or who doesn’t spend much time with their kids.
What if you already have kids, but none of the above sounds good to you? Put your energy into staying out of the way, taking care of your own needs, and not making things harder for the caregiver and kids. Figure out things you do enjoy doing with the kids or with the caregiver; and let the caregiver know those will be the ways you can contribute and that’s it. If you have money, hire help for the caregiver in ways they would like help. Get a second job to contribute financially. It might be a good idea to go to a mediator, coach, or counselor to have this discussion. In the meeting, you can ask for help in coming up with a feasible plan to turn the situation into a win-win.
Warmly,