Stay in Your ‘Yard’

As I’ve done inner work pertaining to my ego, button pushing, and worthiness, I came up with the following visual.

For clarity, here are Definitions for my visual example:

My ‘yard’: My higher self, my purpose, the reason I’m here; the only place where I am able to be connected to God and divine help
My ‘shock collar’: My reminder of when I step out of my ‘yard’ to seek my sense-of-worthiness outside of my higher self and outside of my connection to God
Electrical current: Triggers, button-pushing, things that bother me which take my focus off of my purpose; and instead I try to seek my worthiness in another person or thing

I visualize being in my own yard as my being with and being my higher self, being plugged into God like an umbilical cord, and having all the support which that provides.

I visualize my yard having an invisible fence around it, and my wearing a shock collar at all times. To the extent which anyone or anything is able to trigger me, is the amount of electrical current available on the shock collar.  The moment I step out-of-bounds, out of my yard, and turn to the trigger person or thing to find me worthy, I get zapped by their electrical current.

I easily know when I am dealing with my most-perfect teacher when the person provides the most surface-space for me to feel pain, the most triggers for me, thus the most electrical current accessible by my shock collar. The teacher is especially effective when the triggers provide so much electrical current that it all but kills me when I try to leave my yard.

Being someone who has let very few people close to my heart, very few people have been able hurt me.  They can hate me or leave and I am still okay (though, I do like to be aware of any areas for me to improve on). When I have picked the rare person to be close to, I had basically subconsciously said to them, ‘I pick you—which means you are the only one who can hurt me, so you must prove that I'm worthy, and show that you know I'm worthy.  I will go out-of-bounds, leave my yard / leave myself, for you to show me I'm worthy.’  And like clockwork, time and again, the person who I picked would show me that they did not find me worthy.  Thus, there was much turmoil inside of me and in the relationship.

But if i stay in bounds, I feel my worthiness deep inside of me and don’t need to look outside of my yard for that. Since I have realized this, I have no desire to leave my yard, myself, and my connection to God. Now, I’m quite clear where the pain comes from when I experience it, and I know what to do.

When I didn’t let anyone close to my heart*, I thought I was in my yard.  But no, I was just sleeping (semi-unconscious) outside-of-bounds. It's just that I never gave anyone the power to shock my collar (i.e. didn't get close with anyone). I still wasn't fully with myself, but I also was rarely getting shocked--at least not in any debilitating way.

As long as I wasn't close to anyone*, I was totally fine being out of bounds.  But fact is, I still was out-of-bounds, not living who I was born to be. Now I see that it’s worth getting close to someone, because doing so helps me to be close to myself—it’s the opposite of what I would have thought.

*Besides my children, who don’t trigger me this way.