When I Stop Explaining

If you’re like me, you like to be deeply-known by the people you are involved with, vice versa. And if you’re like me, when you choose to be involved with a person, you don’t take that decision lightly; you really want authenticity, to learn and grow, and to invest in the relationship.

Years ago, I tried to get everyone to understand me and from where I was coming—including strangers if we happened to get into a conversation. It finally occurred to me that this was futile.

I had plenty of experiences where I didn’t have to over-explain myself to another person in order for them to understand me; we were already on the same page, and already each understood the topic at hand and/or had the same approach to communication. This is your clue that sharing is welcome.

But I’ve had even more experiences where I could tell at the start of the conversation that the other person didn’t want to understand and didn’t seem comfortable going below the surface. It used to be that I took that to mean I had to work even harder to explain myself, and to ask more drilling questions to learn about them.

Finally, I accepted the hint and shut up, and simply listened to the other person.

But still, I tried to explain myself to people who I frequently spoke to and/or relatives. I made the same discovery as I did about strangers: shut up and simply listen.

And now, I may or may not throw a topic of discussion out there, and immediately I shut up when I sense the hint to be quiet and listen.

My most-recent challenge is dealing with those who are in my inner circle. There are some who I invest in, however, they simply just don’t want to understand or know me much, vice versa. I find this a tough pill to swallow—especially considering I want to deeply know the people who I care about and invest in.

It’s with these people who I especially want to over-explain myself to: my reasoning, my beliefs, my values, my ideas, my struggles, my concerns. I assume if I over-explain, that will encourage to other person to put it all out there too. I don’t understand how a person can want to be close, but yet not want to share these topics pertaining to me and to themselves. I know they have their reasons; nonetheless, I don’t understand why they could find not-knowing to be valuable and fulfilling.

Yet, as I have learned from dealing with strangers, to acquaintances, to relatives, some people just don’t want to know—even if you love and invest in them.

I have regrets in relationships where I dominated discussions in the attempt to explain myself and in the attempt to understand what the other person was about, what they believed, and what mattered to them. It has been these relationships where I had to ‘pull teeth’ to get the other person to talk. My regret is that I didn’t just shut up and listen and see; then I would have known what the other person was about without my being dominating out of my desperation to know and be known. I would have known that, like many people, they didn’t care to know or be known. And I wouldn’t have made a fool out of myself.

To those who want to be known and to know, I highly recommend what I learned the hard way: be quiet and listen for a while. You will know relatively quickly where you stand with the other person. You will save yourself a lot of heart ache and not make a fool out of yourself if you do.