Working Around Boulders
If there are issues in a relationship which don’t get resolved, if there are elephants in the room which at least one person tries to ignore, if the feelings of each person involved don’t matter, if there are life-long troubles too big to solve without motivation to heal, if there is unacknowledged and/or on-going betrayal, if there are addictions, if there is anything in a relationship which hinders connection and transparency and limits what is possible, I would say that it’s like there is a gigantic boulder in the middle of the room.
At the bare minimum, to be semi-functional in a relationship—especially a live-in relationship—there should be the acknowledgement that there are indeed boulders in the middle of rooms.
In order to acknowledge that there are boulders in the middle of the rooms,
it’s not necessary to agree if there is or is not a problem (boulder).
All it takes is for one person to find there to be problems in the relationship.
it’s not necessary to agree as to whether or not the problems (boulders) are legitimate.
No one can tell another what they should & should not feel.
No one can tell another what values & morals they should let go of.
No one can tell another what to care about & what not to care about.
it’s not necessary fix the problems (boulders).
it’s not necessary discuss the problems (boulders).
The reason all parties should acknowledge the boulders in the rooms is so everyone recognizes the limitations in the relationship. As such, everyone will have to relate to and deal with each other both around and above the boulders which are in the way of healthy relationship functioning.
In other words, instead of being able to move about freely in the kitchen, for an analogy example, all parties will have to account for the huge boulder in the center of the kitchen. It’s in everyone’s best interest to admit there’s a huge boulder in the way, and then to come up with a plan to streamline working in the kitchen both above and around the boulder—in order to not let the boulder hinder the kitchen functions more than it has to.
A real-life explanation could be this: The other person in your relationship doesn’t like that you need to talk through problems. Therefore, you can’t talk to them much about problems.
In this example, the boulders in the way are these:
The other person finds you to be annoying (etc.) for needing to talk through problems.
You have to silence yourself with the other person when it comes to your problems.
Here’s another simple example of boulders in the way:
You find the other person to be annoying & disrespectful that they don’t care that you get bored listening to them talk about uninteresting things for several minutes at a time.
The other person finds you to be annoying & disrespectful for doodling on paper while they are talking about things they feel like talking about.
You can’t change the other person. They can’t change you. You don’t have the type of relationship where you can thoroughly deal with problems.
The best you can do is say, ‘Let’s agree to disagree. Our disagreements create boulders in the middle of the rooms in our home. We need to work around them. At the bare minimum, each of us should acknowledge what we have to work around and we need to adjust our expectations of each other and of the relationship.’
If the other person refuses to even acknowledge the boulders, then free your conscious; there’s nothing you can do about that. You have to handle the boulders to the best of your abilities. You have to leave the other person alone pertaining the unresolved problems (boulders)—just let it be.
You have to set boundaries up to any guilt trips, intimidation, threats, snide comments and passive-aggressive behaviors. The other person will still have to handle the boulders themselves; but that’s not your problem.