Adult Infantile Needs
When in a dysfunctional and/or demanding relationship with another adult, you might find that one or both of you have infantile needs which have yet to be met. If you are finding you have demands made on you that are wearing you out, and/or if the other person is unable and unwilling to understand your limitations and boundaries, it very-well could be because, subconsciously, they are seeing you as the mother they never had. [Look up Projective Identification.]
You, the devoted one, are likely their primary subconscious mother—they might actually see many people as mother, but the one who invests the most time and energy in them gets to experience the good, the bad, and the ugly; while all other substitute mothers get the person’s song-and-dance show (which only enables such a person). Thus, you need to work extra hard to take care of yourself.
While I don’t recommend intentionally choosing such a relationship, you might find after-the-fact that this is what’s actually going on.
I’ve come up with an exercise to use with such an adult. It should help to give you some energetic space for your own self-care.
Consistently insisting that the person ‘use their words’ (via doing the steps in this exercise) is teaching them to gradually mature, and to be responsible for themselves.
Their having infantile needs as an adult is likely very confusing, overwhelming, anxiety-ridden and chaotic for them—which is at least partially due to their not acknowledging, even with themselves, their subconscious, infantile needs. Because it’s unconscious, it’s like something is happening to them and they don’t know what it is—similar to being possessed. Highlight to them the benefit of feeling peace from doing this exercise.
The other person might be very resistant to admitting having infantile needs. In my experience, it took years. Hopefully, with this tool and awareness, it will happen much quicker for you. It’s a very delicate subject, so handle it as such.
EXERCISE: THE PATH TO HEALING
I recommend having the other person write these steps out for themselves because it’s likely they don’t like you telling them what to do—their writing promotes their personal investment instead. I would also insist that they come up with the pay-offs or perks for themselves in each of the steps (I’ve given examples of perks below). You might have to ask them questions to get them to look at the benefits of following each step; but make sure it’s a genuine perk to them otherwise it won’t be effective.
Also, make sure the perks are completely-exclusive from the other steps because it’s likely this person is easily discouraged, thus wouldn’t otherwise follow through to the next step. The exclusive perks encourage the person to continue on with the other steps.
You might not want to get them to admit this exercise is about emotional maturity. That could be a trigger, because having infantile needs has enabled them to not mature. And there must be obvious perks for them to not emotionally-mature. Come up with perks which a young child would also find beneficial.
Regarding ways for the person to meet their own infantile needs, at the end of this exercise, make sure to add the word ‘wholesome’ to the idea list. Such adults might have the habit of turning to unhealthy addictions to self-sooth. It’s crucial that the person come up with ideas when they aren’t in an infantile, desperate state; they need to be able to act quickly and to begin to retrain well-established, well-refined habits and coping mechanisms.
Step 5, the loved one declining request, is so important. Generally, these people can’t deal with people saying, ‘No,’ to them—especially the person who is invested in them. Sometimes they use tantrums, passive-aggressive behavior, and/or intimidation against the loved one (and lucky you, if they hide this side of themselves from everyone else). Stay strong. Their immature behavior is still about them and not about you. It’s about the infant who didn’t get what s/he needed; you didn’t do this to them.
Again, have the person write down this exercise, the steps, for themselves. When they begin to act up via pressuring and guilting you, you can tell them to look at their Path to Healing list; and then dismiss yourself.
Admit to myself that I have an infantile need.
Perks: Minimizing chaos, predictability: having a sense of control over what happens to me
Telling my specific loved one that I have an infantile need.
Perks: Makes me feel less alone, safety: my loved one understands
Request a specific action from my specific loved one.
Perks: Identifying what my inner infant needs, security: in knowing a solution
My loved one meets my request.
My loved one declines my request.
Perks: My specific loved one is taking care of his/herself so s/he can take care of me later.
I take care of my inner infant.
Perks: This guarantees my inner infant will be taken care of.
Wholesome ways I can take care of my inner infant:
Laying in bed
Crying
Playing relaxing music
Drawing
Watching a wholesome movie
Taking an Epsom salt bath
Walking laps
Overall perk of doing this exercise:
Peace