Banging Head Against Wall Since Stopping Feels Good
Why do we choose relationships which cause us pain? If the answer isn’t apparent, even after thoroughly digging into it, the reason could be tucked away in the subconscious.
Within my own experience, I spent years trying to figure this out for myself. After decades of healing work, culling out the distractions, making the most important the most important, and believing I am responsible for my own experiences, I still chose another painful relationship.
What causes pain in an adult relationship? I believe it’s when the other person somehow knows how to press our emotional triggers or buttons; thus, we’re forced to see that there are very uncomfortable cracks within our own healing. The pain is also due to our not taking care of ourselves via having dignity and self-respect (including having boundaries when we aren’t being respected by others).
Are you asking me why I am banging my head against the wall? I’m doing it because it will feel so good when I stop!
Even after all my growth work, I still chose a painful relationship because I still didn’t see the following: Subconsciously, I craved the experience of my trauma to stop, but only by the person who was causing the trauma. This would be the sure way to know another person truly loved me.
There were influential relatives who caused a lot of trauma in my past; yet they never chose to stop hurting me. They never found me valuable enough to care about their hurting me—no matter how much I tried to be good enough in order to make them stop. So, subconsciously, I craved to be involved with another pain-causing person who cared about me so much, who found me so valuable, that they were driven to stop causing me pain.
In order for me to experience the relief of the end of the pain, I needed someone who would cause the pain in the first place. But not just any kind of pain. For this process to be effective, the person had to be able to have laser-sharp abilities to hurt me in the deepest ways possible. The deepest ways of hurting me match up, at least the essence of the pain, with the ways I was hurt in childhood and young adulthood.
In my case, the deepest ways possible to hurt me were especially in the form of mind games, exclusion, sneakiness, secrecy, hiding, conspiring & backstabbing, manipulating, cognitive dissonance (gaslighting), mockery, flippancy, superficiality, devaluing, lack of empathy, avoidance, and refusing to communicate.
But I wasn’t interested in getting involved with just any mind-game-playing, pain-causing person; it had to be someone who, unlike my relatives, also showed signs of hope that they eventually would stop hurting me due to their appreciating my value and worth. The hope I held was from my seeing evidence of some good things the person brought to the table, including seeming to like having me around.
The magic recipe for my deep sense of relief, then, was
For the other person to be able to hurt me deeply on an emotional level.
For the other person to have some good traits and to like me enough to let me stick around.
For the other person to choose to stop hurting me as soon as they recognize my worth and value.
For me to enjoy the deep relief of the hurt stopping.
Voilà! My trauma is healed! The other person really loves me!
Once I discovered that this was what was going on in my subconscious, that this was why I was consumed with pain in the relationship, I could instantly change my experience.
How? I know myself and I know what I want and don’t want. So, shining light on this subconscious tactic was all it took for me to take back my power to change my emotional experience. I know that I certainly don’t want to allow anyone to play mind-games with me ever again. And while I can’t control what other people do, I can control what I allow in my experience. Since I no longer need the relief of someone else choosing to stop causing my pain, I no longer need the pain-causing experiences anymore.
The power is back in my hands. I can enjoy the greatest relief of all: I choose to stop hurting myself due to allowing others to hurt me. That’s where my power was all along.
Our subconscious can blindly lead us into the craziest of choices. This is why it’s so important to courageously look at and into ourselves and into our shadows. There’s only good that will ultimately come out of doing so.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.