Past Pain Isn’t Our Flaw
Because of being in close-proximity, the amount of time spent together, and the resulting self-exposure of vulnerabilities, relationships can trigger old pain in us.
Have you been told, or has it been implied, that you’re “damaged goods” because the other person is able to hurt you? Have you been told that it’s your dysfunctional childhood which makes you “overly-sensitive” to them and what they do? Have you been told something is wrong with you for being hurt, triggered, or bothered?
Painful experiences in the past can cause trauma. Even when the wounds have healed with passing time, those emotional areas are like scars. Scarred areas aren’t as strong and “thick skinned” as undamaged skin. Just like scars on our skin, emotional scars make those areas more vulnerable and sensitive.
In dealing with people, there are plenty of annoyances and undesirable traits and behaviors which we can brush off and ignore. There are traits and behaviors which we find undesirable, which we simply won’t tolerate; and without hesitation, we know not to be involved with those such people. This is due to our having healthy boundaries for ourselves.
What can be more challenging, however, is when we experience with a person behaviors and traits which we do not like, yet we proceed and get involved with the person anyway. Our boundaries aren’t so strong in these instances.
Why? Why can we easily have boundaries when confronted with some undesirable behaviors and traits; yet, others we will tolerate even though we don’t want to?
These specific undesirable behaviors and traits directly dig into our scars (past emotional pain). When we tolerate such a person and such a relationship, it shows us exactly where we haven’t healed: We haven’t healed yet in the form of setting boundaries in these areas. Something in our subconscious tells us that we should be able to handle that which pushes against our scars—we likely believed this in the past too.
So, the problem isn’t that we are more sensitive (or insecure, or unstable) than others who experience, and aren’t bothered by, these same behaviors and traits. The problem is that we did not allow ourselves to put up boundaries, which can include not getting involved with those who display such behaviors and traits which we find undesirable and intolerable.
It’s our past pain that helped us define what we want and do not want. When we don’t honor this, when we don’t establish boundaries and we don’t keep such people at a distance, we end up putting up with the unacceptable. And then we blame ourselves and beg the other person to change.
Our emotional scars show us where we need to be diligent about having boundaries. We need extra alertness in those areas. We need to be discerning and to have dignity and self-respect.
Our emotional scars are not flaws. Emotional scars don’t make us weak or problematic or insecure. They are guideposts to remind us to care about ourselves—especially in the form of boundaries.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.