Because I Was So Sure, I Dismissed So Much
Just once in my life have I been so sure
Of someone being home for me.
Of someone filling in my missing pieces.
Finally a friend. My friend, my partner, who resonated with me—
Who I really, truly felt deeply into and beneath my scars
Within my nerves and veins.
You flowing through me.
Breathing with me.
I knew you before.
And I knew you again.
Since my very first moment in this life, I wondered where you were.
I searched for years and years
And years.
So when I finally saw you
I was so sure
It was you.
You.
I saw your scars which mirrored mine, like a code that was finally cracked.
Finally figured out. Finally matched.
Hearts unlocked.
I knew I could love you like no one had before
Because I already did.
I didn’t have to try to imagine because
There it was. My love.
There you were. My Love.
Even before we introduced ourselves, we danced without moving.
We sang without making a sound.
We cried without it showing on our faces.
You imprinted upon my heart, that very first time I spotted you from across the room.
Of course. Because it was you.
And because I was me. And because…
Because: We.
We knew.
Each other.
For forever. From the beginning, even before it began.
You agreed.
…Right? Didn’t you?
It sure seemed that way.
I mean…it seemed that way. And you said some of the right words.
And agreed with all that my heart spilled out.
But then again…
Years later, far away, I can see how it really was.
I pursued you.
You mirrored me.
I convinced you.
I begged you.
I pleaded. And I cried.
And I yelled, “Please stop making me compete for you.”
Please.
Please pick me. Choose me.
You said you did. You went through the motions.
At least you did in the compartment you reserved just for me.
That is, when I wasn’t on the shelf, all tucked away, during your
Daydreams about someone like me.
Or someone who wasn’t me.
You wanted to keep me around. In your back pocket.
For a rainy day.
You let me show up whenever I wanted. Like a loyal dog, coming in from the rain.
I know I am the one
For you.
But you couldn’t and you can’t and you won’t because…
How can a kid
Give up having a buffet of candy
Every
Single
Moment?
I’m only one.
There are millions of others.
Why would you forfeit all others for just
One?
For me?
You saw me as a parent, trying to take your candy away.
Wow.
I never wanted to take away anything from you.
I just thought you wouldn’t want candy anymore
Because finally you had something nurturing and satiating.
False.
Had I just paused and watched what you chose when you saw me after I first saw you
that night,
I would have watched you do
Nothing.
Say nothing.
And I would have walked out the door
Alone.
Never to have seen you again.
Being so sure
That I was so wrong
About thinking you were
Mine.
_ . _ . _
Do you need support getting over rejection—rejection of yourself for loving someone who doesn’t know how to love? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.