Dealing with Emotionally-Immature, -Detached, -Dysregulated Adults

If you’ve wanted to have a deep, connected friendship, likely you fall on level 4 or 5 of engagement and skill (these levels involve “Seeking Out the Other" and "Immersion" as defined by Dr. Les Carter—see my blog post here).

It may not be until you’ve invested a significant amount of time and energy into a relationship before you realize you are trying to get blood out of a turnip. Whether this is the case, or you are just meeting new people, I’d like to save you a lot of heartache and health issues.

A mature person who is interested in a deep, connected relationship with you will be transparent, and will make every effort to be known by you and to know you. You will be able to discuss any topic. And he/she won’t cower, cringe, hide or lie when you ask questions. It won’t even cross his/her mind to manipulate how you see him/her.

If this isn’t the case, the other person isn’t interested in you (though, a mature person wouldn’t lead you on either); or else you’re dealing with an emotionally-immature person.

From what I’ve experienced, when it comes to seeking connection and deep intimacy, there isn’t much difference between people who are

• emotionally-immature

• emotionally-detached

• emotionally-dysregulated

• avoidant-dismissive

These people do not understand, or are incapable of, or have no interest in having a mature, emotionally-connected relationship. Instead, they live via a false self or mask which they have created and revised throughout their lives in order to avoid abandonment.

Because they are secretly or subconsciously very insecure about who they are and they lack the developmental skills to grow, learn and heal, their wearing a mask is imperative in order for them deal with themselves, life, and other people.

Since they do not have deep connections to count on to keep people interested in them, they count on their masks to get attention. Likely, they want people to be around them, but don’t want anyone getting too close.

Emotionally-immature people have two primary fears in life:

• Fear that their mask will slip, or that their true selves will otherwise be exposed

• Fear of abandonment

Masks can come in the form of the person being or acting these ways with his/her objects of attention or target audiences:

• nice or pleasant

• caring or concerned

• helpful

• calm

• meek, shy or innocent

• laid back, easy-going

• funny, witty or light-hearted

• whimsical, day-dreamy, or eccentric

• free-spirited or creative

• friendly

• polite

• charming

• flattering

• interested, curious, or impressed

• available and willing

• agreeable and complying

• like he/she has shared interests, experiences, or beliefs

• outgoing or popular

• cool and collected, or not overly-impressed, not overly-eager (not desperate)

• noble

• spiritual or evolved

• skilled at specific tasks or intelligent

• like he/she has himself/herself “together” or has life well-managed

• wounded, helpless and pitiful

In order to pull off this mask and false self, the person must compartmentalize his/her life, and will probably consider lying, hiding, sneaking, and lying by omission as a means to an end. Sometimes, such a person will juggle multiple masks and personas—depending on which compartment he/she is in each moment.

If the emotionally-immature person senses that he/she is being exposed or that abandonment is imminent, he/she will be triggered; as such, he/she will direct his/her fear towards the target using various methods—which could include passive aggressiveness, faking or dramatizing physical or emotional pain, blaming, guilt-tripping, projecting, bullying, smear campaigning, intimidation, threats, and rage.

If this is the type of person with whom you’re dealing, you will know it by how differently—much more relaxed, content, soothed or pleasant—they seem when you

• do not discuss emotions or your personal struggles

• do not point out anything negative about him/her

• do not point out anything about which he/she is willfully-blind and in denial

• do not expect or request to discuss and trouble-shoot relationship issues with him/her

• do not express that you feel disrespected by his/her behaviors

• do not express disappointment or dissatisfaction with him/her or the relationship

• do not express anything which could be interpreted as your not wanting to stay with him/her (potential abandonment)

• do not pry or intrude on his/her mask-wearing, other life compartments, secrets, and separate relationships

• do make use of and take full advantage of any trait related to his/her mask and false self

• do express appreciation for any trait related to his/her mask and false self

• do use distraction—including light small talk—to refocus him/her when he/she seems ill-at-ease about your silence, sincerity, seriousness or contentment

To keep an emotionally-immature person and your shared environment calm, focus on and highlight the good traits of his/her masks and acknowledge him/her for the benefits of those traits, and do not address what his/her masks are hiding.

For your own sanity and well-being, do not think about or focus too intently and sincerely on this person—stay as light and nonchalant about and with him/her as you possibly can. Also, you will have to create a life beyond reaping the benefits of this person’s masks/false self traits.

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.