Duped: We Have a History
A huge way we can dupe ourselves in a relationship is to attach to the idea that you have a past together. You’ve already been through a lot with this person—even if it was a whole lot of drama, chaos, and mess. Still it’s someone you’ve already been with. You don’t have to put another notch on your belt. You don’t think you will have to start back at square one with them, as you do when you first meet someone. You can sort of pick up where you left off, even if it’s been years since you were together.
Be very cautious of this.
Dig into these questions first:
Who reached out to whom this time around? Who is pursuing whom this time around?
Would you, as the person you are right now, still be interested in this person if you had never met them before?
Without anyone in mind, what are good reasons for you to have a relationship right now?
What relationship needs would you have to give up in order to be with this person?
What was your & their mental and emotional conditions when you first met?
What circumstances were going on in your & their lives at that time?
Were you or they a rebound?
Were you or they wanting to be rescued from a bad situation?
Did you think you could help or change the person?
Did you think you the person needed you in order to add value or quality to their life?
Why did you stop talking to and seeing this person?
What red flags did you notice during that time?
Repeat: what red flags did you notice during that time?
What bothered each of you about each other then?
What did you disagree & fight about?
How have you & they changed, grown, healed & matured since then?
How has your & their lifestyles changed?
Are you & they able to forgive wrong-doing from your past?
What’s the likelihood of these mistakes occurring again?
If, after honestly answering these questions, you still want to try having a relationship with this person, move very slowly. Keep your eyes and ears open. Keep your wits about you. Be very attuned with yourself and your gut.
Do not, I repeat, do not think the person will be and do anything other than who they are and what they do.
Do not think your being in their life will change anything about them.
Do not think you can change them!
Check out these other articles in this ‘Duped in a Relationship’ series: