Five Levels of Relationship Engagement and Skill
Dr. Les Carter, Psychotherapist, came up with five levels of relationship engagement and skill. My finding this information from Dr. Carter was an absolute relief. Because of my having life-long experiences with my wanting to share meaningful interactions and discussions, only to find the other person just wouldn’t go there, I’ve written many blog post articles about the importance of matching up with those in whom we invest, and how to manage the relationships when we discover we don’t match up. I’ve written about clues to know who we are dealing with and what to watch for. I even came up with a very long list of questions to discuss while getting to know someone.
Dr. Carter’s five levels of relationship engagement is one of the best tools I’ve seen to quickly summarize exactly how deep we can expect a relationship to be. With this information, we can determine what level we ourselves are at, and then use this information to determine what to expect from other people in our lives. This awareness can prevent much frustration, heartache and loneliness.
Below, I’ve written notes from what Dr. Carter said in his youtube video.
Sometimes we encounter people and we just don’t think alike. We realize we and the other person are not anywhere near being on the same page, as we have certain standards, principles, or desires about how we’re going to engage with each other. We have a form of communication and engagement some people aren’t prepared for:
There are levels of maturity.
There are different levels of skill.
What do we do when those levels don’t match up?
Learning grade school math means you can engage in math at that level. If that’s as far as you go in math, when someone who knows quantum physics and tries to talk to you about it, it’s over your head.
That’s like someone at a higher level of engagement saying, “Please join me at this better level of relationship engagement.” But the other person says, “No, I’m down here at this grade-school level and that’s enough for me.”
Per Dr. Carter, here are the five levels of relationship engagement:
1. Functional level of relationship engagement
Most basic level of relationship engagement
It’s much like telling young children what to do
Task-oriented
Mundane tasks
Chores, work tasks
Showing up for appointments on time
Managing the logistics of getting to places
2. Rules and Regulations level of relationship engagement
Duty, obligation, responsibility
We can engage with each other by bringing the functional level up to the rules and regulation level.
When we engage at this level, it sets up a hierarchy, a pecking order, someone’s in change and someone is subordinate.
It’s much like telling children what to do, plus explaining more about the tasks.
There are rules and standards that you have to maintain.
We talk to each other about what needs to be done and what we better do, what we’re supposed to do.
Use imperative thinking at this level: have to, must, can’t, should, supposed to, ought to, got to, had better
Command-oriented directive
Black and white, all-or-nothing thinking
Do this, don’t do this.
A lot of people do life like this.
3. Principles and Values level of relationship engagement
This level is beyond just the functional and beyond just the “should” and “supposed to”
Emphasis is on the “why” of behavior
There are all sorts of things we need to do, but why do we do the things that we do?
At this level, the skills and the tasks need to be under-girded with a moral code or various values that you hold dear.
For example, “I want you to walk away from dealing with me knowing you’ve been honored and respected.”
Or “I want us to have fun together at this principles and values level.”
“I like being somebody who brings value to your life and we’re able to enjoy being with each other.’
This level stimulates thoughtfulness and consideration.
Creates a sense of purpose in interactions.
This is more of an adult and higher level way of interacting with each other.
4. Seeking Out the Other level of relationship engagement
As we mature, we realize there are some things that don’t fit only into functionality, and rules and regulations, and sometimes even clash with our standards and principles.
Some people do things that don’t match up with how you do things, they come from a different place, and they have a different way of reasoning with life.
“You and I are different. What is it that makes you, you? Why do you do the things you do?”
This engagement goes beyond just fitting into others’ “grooves.”
“I want to know you at a much deeper level.”
We put a much stronger emphasis on empathy, on knowing how to connect, and being able to accept certain things that don’t necessarily fit what you would prefer.
“Let me know if you don’t like the way something worked out, let me know what’s going on, and how can I know you at that deeper level?”
When we seek out the other, even in the face of failures, improbabilities, and difficulties, we go with the notion which says, “I just need and want to know who you are and who I’m dealing with.”
5. Immersion level of relationship engagement
Includes empathy plus slowing down long enough to say, “I want to try as much as I can to get my mind attuned to you.”
So you lay down your ego.
You want to know this person at the deepest level as possible.
You want to understand them from the inside out.
Some people wonder if this means you completely lose yourself at this level.
Kind of but not really: It means you actually do know yourself, and you know yourself so well that you feel you have much to offer other individuals.
So in your confidence, you engage with people who say, “I really want to get on the inside of your world and I want to know you as thoroughly as I can. You deserve the best that I have to offer.”
When you do this in a reciprocal fashion, it can be very rewarding.
Your sense of being is much more important and valuable than just the doing.
We want to know people at the being and inner level.
In summary:
Know your own skill level of relationship engagement.
Also, know the skill level of the person you’re dealing with.
Don’t try to force someone into a relationship engagement style that they simply cannot or will not do.
Some people don’t care to know about your being.
You can’t bring someone who is at a level two, up to level four or five if that’s not something they’re interested in.
Don’t expect them to relate to you in a deeper way. They don’t.
In dealing with a lower-engaging person, those who operate at a higher level of engagement will have to have certain boundaries, realizing the lower-engaging person wants to bring others down to their level of living and communicating.
As you go deeper and deeper into your own skill set, don’t let the other person with the lower-engaging person dictate who you are going to be.
Don’t waste your time on the lower levels, arguing about function and rules and regulations.
Be comfortable being you at the more empathetic and engaged style of interaction.
“If you can’t join me, that’s where you are. I accept that. And I’m going to have to decide how far I’m going to be willing in engaging with you.”
You’re not going to have that tight of a relationship with someone who can’t go very deeply with you.
In your understanding that there are these separate distinctions, at least when you show yourself to be unique, you’re going to know that you’re at a different place. Accept that this person…“isn’t going to join me. I get it.”
Make your plans accordingly.
Manage yourself in a more complete way.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.