Do You Want Secrecy or Transparency?

When meeting a new friend or a potential partner, or when otherwise deciding into whom to invest your time, find out if each of you want a relationship of secrecy or of transparency.

A lot of this decision has to do with how much each of you want to be known by another person.

Some people want their relationships to be mostly that of a companion. In companionship, it’s helpful to know some general, surface information about the other person. But minimal information is required to chum around with another person. Mostly, there needs to be a verbal or nonverbal agreement as to when to keep each other company—it could be as easy and simple as both of you happening to be at the same place at the same time and lingering around each other.

Thus, in a companionship, there’s no need to be known and there’s no need to share secrets with each other. Being vague and hidden can work in a companionship.

In a relationship, the ultimate closeness is due to being able to share all your secrets with the other person. The drive to be known by another person, vice versa, is strong and unstoppable. The need to consistently and honestly share thoughts, feelings, desires, wishes, dreams, daydreams, ideas, plans, contemplation, self-reflection, struggles, goals, learning, emotional growing pains, fears, personal history, trauma, addictions, distractions, mistakes, flaws, interests, schedules, routines, and interactions is something that can only come to fruition with another willing person—and, really, only if the other person has this same need to be deeply known.

Being deeply known by another person, and deeply knowing them, gives a sense of belonging, of understanding, of trust, of security, of meaning, and of inspiration to fully live out who we each are. Additionally, it gives strong senses of accountability, respect, loyalty and devotion to both self and to the other person.

Secrecy, hiding, vagueness are still possible if you have a companion. However, those ways of living aren’t an option in a truly deep, immersive, rewarding connection with another.

If you desire a transparent relationship and to fully know each other, you will really struggle in a relationship of secrecy. So decide if you are willing to have a companion instead of a deep connection with that person.

There are varying degrees of being known. But if the relationship is not about fully being known, it’s still pushing into the category of companionship, thus, it’s a relationship which allows for secrecy.

You will be able to tell shortly after meeting a person where they stand: are they a companion or do they want to be known deeply?

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.