Getting Rid of the Abuser
When you find yourself in a relationship which entails a lot of discomfort and pain, you might ask yourself, ‘How did I get here?‘
What does the other person do and say that triggers your pain and discomfort? Hindsight, can you see that the other person, on some level, has always been doing and saying these things?
What made you ignore the red flags?
Complete the following steps. Be honest with yourself and don’t judge your answers:
Pinpoint the behaviors, actions, words & traits which trigger pain in you.
Take a look at what specific pain this relationship causes in you. Identify it.
Determine why those behaviors, actions, words & traits cause you to be in pain.
Look at why you thought someone who showed you red flags from the start would be any different than they are now.
Ah ha! That last one is a tough question to answer, isn’t it? Before answering that, look at the pain in the relationship. Does it seem familiar?
Were your feelings during your upbringing very similar to how you feel in your current adult relationship? That pain is likely reflective of the trauma which you experienced as a child.
(I will use the terms ‘abuse’ and ‘abuser’ to reference the pain and the one triggering the pain, respectively.)
Why do we do this to ourselves? What is going on?
Attempt to Heal from Childhood Abuse
Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt wrote a book called Getting the Love You Want. In it, they explain that we subconsciously choose a partner who emotionally reminds us of our childhood caregiver(s) in order to have a chance at healing ourselves. Their book goes on to give advice, suggestions and exercises for couples to do together in order for both of them to heal.
If the relationship is causing you pain, and the other person doesn’t acknowledge your experience with them, and doesn’t care to make corrections with you, likely you’re not surprised. Likely, the main reason you chose this other person is exactly because they trigger your unhealed pain, and they do so relentlessly. Likely, they represent your past abuser.
Maybe you didn’t even know you had unhealed pain until you got into this relationship. Nonetheless, here you are.
Attempt to Destroy Childhood Abuser
The theory that I have is that we choose such relationships in order to attempt to destroy the one who hurt us in childhood. A nicer way to say destroy in this context is to say we want to transform the other person from that of an abuser to that of a loving, compassionate, supportive best friend.
There’s a part of us that might not even care very much about having a loving, supportive friend; but rather, we desperately just want the symbolic abuser to cease to exist anymore so we can finally be free from our pain.
The nicer way to make that happen is to try to change the other person. We are actually trying to change the abuse right out of the person—like an exorcist. And now that we’re adults, rather than helpless-victim children, we think we can actually do it.
Ultimately, our logical adult minds know that we can’t change other people.
Here’s what to do, instead, in your current adult relationship:
Stop looking for evidence of any more abuse.
Trust your heart & gut—you have all the evidence of the abuse you could ever need.
Stop doubting your feelings & the affect the abuse has on you.
Stop thinking about the abuse.
Recognize the abuser’s function is to abuse.
Stop needing the abuser’s love.
Stop needing the abuser to understand, let alone empathize with, you & your feelings.
Stop equating your worthiness with your ability to get the abuser to stop the abuse.
Give up on trying to make the abuser disappear.
Allow the abuser to exist.
Let the abuser keep on being themselves.
Stop thinking about the abuser.
Create a life you love to live which has no space for abuse.
If you don’t have to be around the abuser anymore, I suggest that, until you’ve done the above steps,
Stop hanging around the abuser.
Stop talking to and writing the abuser.
Stop looking for the abuser & traces of the abuser.
Stop responding to the abuser.
Ignore the gossip about the abuser.
Stop being a receiver of abuse and a victim of the abuser. That’s how you make an abuser cease to exist.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.