How to Deal with an Adult-Toddler
First, reference this article where I describe what I call an adult-toddler.
If you have a choice, simply do not get involved with an adult-toddler.
If you work with an adult-toddler, do not say more to them then you have to. If they play dumb, if they avoid doing their job, tell them to talk to their boss for help. If they don’t talk to their boss, professionally and tactfully go to their boss to say that the employee appears to need some additional training; and suggest the boss observe said employee to see if the boss, too, thinks thinks the employee needs additional training. If the boss tells you to train the employee, be sure to put minimal effort in training. Likely the employee will do everything in their power to avoid learning, and to see how much energy they can suck out of you. Don’t take them very seriously. In order to remind yourself who you’re dealing with thus how much effort to put into them, simply assume you’re dealing with someone who is quitting their job at the end of the day.
Here are my tips when personally-involved with an adult-toddler:
Don’t try to change them. Establish boundaries for yourself instead.
Generalize, within yourself, their identity (their reputation with you) based on what you experience, perceive, observe, hear, your gut instincts & intuition: who they are, their limitations, standards, behaviors, choices & what they enjoy helping you with.
They likely won’t admit to who they really are; they only know themselves as a fictitious character in their mind-stories.
For your sanity
So you know who you’re dealing with
Adjust your expectations of them accordingly.
Be aware of the manipulating mind games they use in attempt to get their toddler needs met:
In a sense, they want to punish you, one of their main mommy figures, since they can’t punish their actual mother who abandoned them, in some shape or form, during infancy.
love-bombing, guilt trips, intimidation, strings-attached giving & help, harassment, silent treatments, ignoring (daydreaming, short attention span, mentally checking-out), tantrums, pretending, forgetfulness, playing dumb, oblivion, self-harm, failure, irresponsibility, seeming pitiful (victim), being excessively ‘nice’ or ‘humble’ or ‘enthusiastic’ or ‘dreamy',’ lies, cons, being a chameleon, being confusing, being secretive, being impressed by shallow, flirting & cheating, back-stabbing, threats, blackmailing, & other forms of betrayal & bullying
They might get sadistic pleasure & get their ego fed when you are struggling with dealing with them, reacting to them, working diligently & passionately on something, or otherwise exposing your vulnerability—all the while, they hide most of themselves from you.
Establish firm boundaries in-line with what you need & want for yourself.
Because adult-toddlers resist caring for themselves & having self-awareness, they will suck the life out of you if you let them.
Do not put more effort into them than you can safely do while maintaining your dignity, integrity & sanity.
Emotionally, adult-toddlers, are very fragile.
Since they mostly reside in their mind-stories, they easily get overwhelmed with real life—let alone, relationships.
Only respond to their words & specific requests.
Don’t tolerate their mind games. Walk away.
If you have the ability to sense their needs, discomfort, anger, etc., don’t jump in to rescue them. This might mean you have to go to a different area, away from them.
When speaking to them, use minimal words.
They get overwhelmed & frustrated very easily since their willful-blindness keeps them from understanding & processing what’s going on.
They likely don’t want to know you beyond your ability and reliability in meeting their infantile needs. So don’t waste your energy explaining yourself much.
What you say can & will be used against you via their game-playing.
Always keep in mind how you’ve generalized their identity. Do not harp on them regarding things you already know about them. Let it go!
Do any healing you need to do in order to not cave to their games:
which they are sure to do whenever you don’t match up with the fictitious character of you in their mind-stories
for them, people not matching up is as painful as an infant being abandoned by mommy
You have the right to exist.
You have the right to have a home.
You have the right to have your own opinions, beliefs, feelings, perspectives, desires, wants & needs.
You have the right to use your gifts & healthy passions.
You have the right to take care of yourself.
You have the right to express yourself.
You have the right to create the life you want to live.
Heal yourself from the grief & loss of not being with a full-fledged adult.
Heal from their finding you replaceable & dispensable, at any given moment, with any sort of other mommy fill-in they find.
Remember they can never be fulfilled due to their unwillingness to grow up.
No one is ever enough to the adult-toddler.
They don’t allow themselves to put all their eggs in one basket. The risk of abandonment-by-mommy happening again is too great.
Get very clear inside of yourself about what you believe & want, what you communicate with them & when setting boundaries.
Like your own child, the adult-toddler will be able to sense any sign of doubt in you.
Your doubt makes them insecure, thus they likely will act up.
Your doubt makes you have work harder to not cave into their games.
Create a strong support system in order to not be tempted to look to the adult-toddler for support which they won’t give you.
Find fulfillment in the relationship in the forms of
inspiration to be your own best friend
learning absolute self-respect, dignity & integrity
considering & assessing, within yourself, things the adult-toddler points out about you
learning how to deal with challenging people
learning patience and tolerance
learning self-restraint