How to Have Brief but Valuable Conversations

I originally wrote this article on May 1, 2014.

The best way I can explain this subject is to show examples.  Be sure to contact me if you have comments or questions.  I can use your feedback to tweak this post (or write a new one) if I need to delve even deeper.

Here’s an example of someone not taking full-advantage of their contact with me (i.e. missing value):

Amy:  How’s it going?
Someone else:  I’m really frustrated about how much money I spend on gas every day.
Amy:  You don’t have any kids or a partner to consider.  Why not just move your solo self closer to where you work, function, play?  What is keeping you in a long-commute situation?
Someone else:  Well, annnnyway… What do you think of this weather?

Here’s that same conversation resulting in value for both the someone else and for me in a very short amount of time:

Amy:  How’s it going?
Someone else:  I’m really frustrated about how much money I spend on gas every day.
Amy:  You don’t have any kids or a partner to consider.  Why not just move your solo self closer to where you work, function, play?  What is keeping you in a long-commute situation?
Someone else:  I’m scared of change.
Amy:  When I mentioned your relocating, what thoughts came to you?
Someone else:  I don’t want to do all the work to relocate only to find that I don’t like the new place.
Amy:  How about just renting month-to-month or even week-to-week?  That way you can get a feel for living in the new area, where you tend to hang out most of time and which locations might be more of a match for you and your life?
Someone else:  That feels like something I really can consider.  That doesn’t feel so scary.  I also fear I’m going to move where I don’t fit in with the people who live there, that I’ll be too out-in-the-open.  Because where I live right now I can sort of hide out.
Amy:  I can relate to needing a lot of personal space.  Maybe you could adjust your out-in-the-world times to when most people are at work or settling in for the night.
Someone else:  That’s true.  I thought something was wrong with me for not liking crowds.
Amy:  I believe it’s unrealistic to expect every person to want to be around large groups of strangers at any given time.
Someone else:  Whew.  That’s refreshing to hear.
Amy:  What about your frustration regarding what you’re spending on gas?
Someone else:  In this short time, I went from feeling frustrated to feeling much less frustrated.  I can see where I’ve got more control in my life than I thought I did—that alone has taken away a lot of frustration.  Also, I can spend some time thinking through if spending money on gas is worth not having to change my life around.  Or if I think changing my life around will be just what I need to grow a bit and learn more about myself.
Amy:  Awesome.  Any other thoughts or things going on with you?
Someone else:  Hmm.  Not right now. I feel like going off by myself to contemplate all of this.  See you later.
Amy:  Thanks for sharing.  That interaction feels great.  Bye!
Someone else:  Oh, by the way, how are you?
Amy:  I’m fine.  Go contemplate!

Here’s an example of a conversation which wastes my time and energy (i.e. isn’t valuable)

Someone else:  How are you?
Amy:  Super tired.  Overwhelmed.  Kind of sad.
Someone else1:  Suck it up.  A lot of people have it harder than you.
Someone else2:  The Bible says, “It’s better to give than receive.”
Someone else3:  Then quit making your kids a priority.  Put them in daycare and go make some money.
Someone else4:  I don’t see what’s so hard.  What’s your problem?
Someone else5:  Jeez, you’re negative and a whiner.
Someone else6:  Just take the kids on a playdate or x,y,z. That will fix everything.
Someone else7: Oh, you poor, pitiful person. I feel so sorry for you. You should get counseling and get on meds ASAP.
Someone else8:  Oh, yeah?  Well, if you’re dying in a fire, I’ll be there to help you.  I’m here for ya, babe.  Until then, see ya!

Here’s the same conversation turning into empowerment and connection in a short amount of time:

Someone else:  How are you?
Amy:  Super tired.  Overwhelmed.  Kind of sad.
Someone else:  Oh?  Tell me more, those are some big feelings going on.
Amy:  There isn’t anything out-of-the-ordinary going on.  It’s just my day-to-day life.
Someone else:  Yeah, I understand.  You don’t get much time to yourself.
Amy:  Yeah, that’s for sure.  I still haven’t mastered ‘feeling recharged’ while caring for others and not getting enough solitude.
Someone else:  Do you feel like your life will always be like this?  Like there’s no end to it?
Amy:  I know there’s an end to it.  My kids will eventually not need me much.  And I will be able to put a lot of energy into finding an exciting job any day of the week instead of just the weekends.
Someone else:  So it’s just getting through right now that gets tiring, overwhelming and sad?
Amy:  Yes, exactly.
Someone else:  If it’s any consolation, I understand how you feel that.  I would too.  What can I do to make it feel better?
Amy:  Well, you could walk with me so I have an adult to talk to, plus get my exercise.
Someone else:  Okay, let me know when you can go walk.  Anything else?
Amy:  Call me when you need someone to talk to, when you need someone else’s input.  Because I feel valuable when I can help someone feel better about themselves and their lives.
Someone else:  Perfect.  I need to talk to you about finding the right job and also about dealing with my cousin.
Amy:  I would love to talk to you about that and see if my perspective will help you feel relief.
Someone else:  Great.  Anything else you want to say before I get called into my appointment?
Amy:  Nope.  I feel a million times better already.
Someone else:  I feel good too.  I’ll get back to you after my appointment to schedule our walk and phone call!

Try bringing value to your brief interactions–and ultimately to your and others’ lives.  (Paying attention to social cues is part of this process as well.)

Warmly,