Dealing with Strangers: Shiny, Happy People Holding Hands
I originally wrote this article on April 13, 2014.
I want to alter the old beliefs about what it means to be kind and what is expected when dealing with strangers–including those in Service positions.
“Everyone around, love them, love them.
Put it in your hands, take it, take it.
There’s no time to cry, happy, happy.”
- R.E.M. (music band)
I drive by a church sign every weekend which says, ‘A few kind words can make someone’s day.’
There’s a common bumper sticker stating that we should ‘Practice random acts of kindness.’
Customer service job ads demand for bubbly, friendly people with endless tolerance (robots?). People are offended if they aren’t smiled at. Or if someone’s tone isn’t just-so (it’s all relative as to which tone each specific person is particular to).
‘Karma is a bitch’, some say. Others say, ‘You better sacrifice for others or you’re going to burn in hell.’ Same message.
‘Be nice!’ ‘Say thank you!’ ‘Smile!’ ‘Say hello!’ ‘Hug him!’ ‘Kiss her!’ Such instructions are demanded by endless parents (instead of the parent simply modeling authentic appreciation and love in front of their children!).
All of the above, all of these old beliefs, scream the message, ‘SUFFER FOR ANOTHER.’ Or, put another way, ‘Drop what you want and be what I want. Follow my rules.’
What?! No. I don’t want anyone suffering for me. I want people to be responsible for themselves and for their own choices.
Needy Friendliness
I have had restaurant servers who seem really proud with their kindness and friendliness; but my experience of them was this: my precious dining date turned from being for my pleasure, to my needing to appease this very-needy person in order for me to try to eek out a bit of energetic and physical space from them. Customer and Service person switch roles.
Frequently, I encounter customers in my general-public-centered weekend job whose friendliness really is neediness. I feel them tugging at me, energetically, wanting more and more. I think they truly believe they are being helpful and extremely nice to me; but really they are wanting attention, praise and coddling. These are ‘Be my mommy’ kind of customers; talk about high expectations from a stranger!
“If I want love, I can’t have it. I am love, and as long as I seek it from you, I can’t know that. To love you is to separate. I am love, and that is as close as it can get.”
- Byron Katie
Here are my tips for being a Customer:
Don’t look to a stranger to make you feel good about yourself; that has to come from you.
Pay attention to social cues: if the customer service person is obviously busy with other people/paperwork/computer, not making eye contact, or giving brief answers, they probably aren’t interested in talking about the weather or answering the ambiguous question, ‘How are you?’
Be un-offended, brief and move along.
It’s not about you, it’s about getting the information you need so you can go on with your life, and the customer service person continuing with juggling their duties and attempting to keep their sanity.
If you get really amped about chit-chatting with strangers, and trying to make someone’s day with your friendliness, I highly recommend volunteering at a senior facility where many residents are craving human interaction.
Here are the ways in which I am kind: my ‘random act of kindness’:
I don’t jeopardize peoples’ safety.
I respect boundaries and I am not intrusive.
Example of both of the above: I slow down and move over for pedestrians and bikers. This is for their safety and also to respect their space.
I don’t stare at or ogle people.
I read social cues and have common sense.
I leave when I am unwanted.
I leave when I can’t be beneficial to another (for example, if they bug the heck out of me).
I don’t feel obligated: if I do something, the person can trust I want to do it and I am not playing martyr, I’m not expecting paybacks.
I have and will do endless life coaching for those who want it and are open. I even do it for free. Because I love it.
I accept money for my coaching because I believe giving and receiving is part of a circle of appreciation: it’s an honor and win-win for both parties when done by conscious, guilt-free choice.
I am a hardcore-supporter of people feeling good. I can even coach, with success, people I don’t particularly like and wouldn’t hang out with–as long as they are open for newness in their thinking.
I don’t make others responsible for me.
I trust people are competent and powerful (even if it’s deep-down). And they really can find their way, their own way, in their own time.
I believe everyone deserves all they desire simply because they exist, and that the source from which this comes is endless and not always defined.
Sure, be kind. But be kind in your own way that doesn’t deplete you. Give to others when it gives back to you, when it is a powerful expression of yourself. We are here to be expressions of ourselves.
Warmly,