How to Not Let Others Hurt You
Are you involved with anyone who is able to push your ‘buttons?’ How often do you feel hurt because the other person isn’t meeting your expectations of them?
Does this sound familiar for you:
You have an expectation of the person, and/or of the relationship; but the person doesn’t meet that expectation.
You feel hurt because, to you, their not meeting your expectation means that they don’t care about you and/or about the relationship.
You feel hurt because of your being involved with a person who doesn’t care.
You feel hurt because you wonder why you would choose to be involved with a person who doesn’t care.
You further dig yourself into a hole because of how you react to the above—you become someone you don’t like, the worst of yourself comes out.
What I have found helpful when I feel this way is to do the following:
1. Title a piece of paper with the word ‘Expectations.’ On one half of the paper, write down a list of what the other person willingly gives you and the relationship:
It’s important to be realistic so as to not trigger resentment and resistance.
List only what the other person does, seemingly without much effort on their part and without any of your coaxing.
Only include on the list that which you find valuable.
2. Draw a box around the list. We will call it the ‘list-box.’
3. Title the space outside of the list-box as “Unmet Expectations = HURT” as this is where the hurt resides. The hurt is related to your not getting your desires and needs met. Write down a list of your unmet expectiaons in this space.
4. Look at your “Unmet Expectations = HURT” list. Turn this into something positive, and see that in creating this second list, you are defining your desires and needs. From there, you can do something about it besides experiencing hurt and blaming the other person!
Your desires and needs are part of who you are!
Do not think you have to give up or fix your desires and needs; they are part of what makes you, you.
However, anything outside of the list-box are desires and needs that you must meet for yourself. The best way to do this is to find ways on your own to meet your desires and needs. What projects and activities can you do that meet your needs?
Another way to get your needs met is by giving those things to another person. Only do this, though, if it doesn’t generate resistance or resentment inside of you. It could take a while for you to be able to do this as you get into the habit of not expecting from the other person anything outside of the list-box.
Now, whenever you think of or interact with this person, and your buttons get pushed and you feel hurt, ask yourself, “What am I expecting from this person and situation right now? Is this expectation something that is in the list-box?” You’re likely to answer, “No.”
But doesn’t this mean that I’m ‘just settling?’
You're generally not settling for less with anyone you’re involved with if you get good things from inside the list-box. Either the stuff in the list-box is enough for you to be around the person or not. But if you choose to be involved with the person, it's critical that
1. you not expect anything from them which is outside the list-box,
2. you do not give up your desires or make yourself wrong and think you need to be fixed,
3. find ways to meet your desires elsewhere unless you want to give some of those things to someone else (which can feel like you're getting your own needs met).
You can eliminate a lot of pain and drama by doing this as soon as you meet a new person. Remember to go by what they actually do and don’t do, and not who they are pretending to be. Keep an ongoing list-box. for each significant relationship you have if you need to have the reminder.
Warmly,