Idealize, Devalue, Discard
It’s likely that adult toddlers are somewhere on the continuum of narcissism. My understanding of narcissism is roughly defined as those people who can’t deeply-connect with others, have very little empathy, do not want to learn and grow, do not care to see their loved one’s sides of things, and they will do almost anything to get their ego fed (mostly in the forms of attention and adoration)—which is also referred to as Narcissistic Supply.
“The Primary Narcissistic Supply is attention, in both its public forms (fame, notoriety, infamy, celebrity) and its private, interpersonal, forms (adoration, adulation, applause, fear, repulsion). It is important to understand that attention of any kind—positive or negative—constitutes Primary Narcissistic Supply. Infamy is as sought after as fame, being notorious is as good as being renowned.
“To the narcissist his ‘achievements’ can be imaginary, fictitious, or only apparent, as long as others believe in them. Appearances count more than substance, what matters is not the truth but its perception.”
- Sam Vaknin, PhD in Philosophy and Physics
In a healthy childhood, a child slowly and gradually detaches from mother in order to individualize. It’s crucial that it is the child choosing to detach, rather than it being forced. It’s also crucial that mother is emotionally- and physically-available for the child to freely return to as needed and desired.
Once the child is secure in knowing mother will be a constant safe base, the child gradually can become his/her own individual, his/her own person.
If this detachment process is not completed in this manner, then the person will likely end up being either co-dependent or on the continuum of narcissism.
Narcissists are known for their process of Idealizing, Devaluing, and Discarding people. Idealizing is also known as love-bombing.
Professor Sam Vaknin has discussed how this Idealizing, Devaluing, and Discarding process in adulthood is an insatiable attempt to recreate the attachment-detachment-individualization process which should have occurred in childhood with mother.
I believe that, in order for narcissists to recreate this process on an on-going basis, one of these two things have to happen:
There has to be constant, consistent people who keep going back to the narcissist (narcissistic supply)
The narcissist has to use their imagination to pretend others who they see, hear or imagine are interested in—or at least acknowledge the existence of—the narcissist (narcissistic supply)
Note: It appears to me that narcissists seem to be able to fool themselves by pretending this:
When the narcissist notices and/or admires a person, it means that the person who they are noticing and/or admiring actually is the one valuing the narcissist for the narcissist’s attention, and the admired/noticed person feels special for being noticed and acknowledged by someone as amazing as the narcissist. In other words, the narcissist turns around their own interest in others, and pretends the admired/noticed persons are really admiring and noticing the narcissist.
The consistent real people, and the imagined people, are idealized by the narcissist like the infant narcissist had idealized mother.
Next, those people are devalued and discarded (left, ignored, denied access, excluded, not invited, not pursued, etc.) in order for the narcissist to figuratively declare their independence from the idealized people (i.e. mother); and briefly, the narcissist feels their independence and experiences themselves as an individual entity.
The narcissist can even do this entire Idealizing, Devaluing, and Discarding process several times a day with the same person.
But this satisfying detachment and independence is short-lived. The attachment-detachment-individualization process is an insatiable drug and its satisfying effects (half-life) are extremely short. As such, most of a narcissist’s time and energy is dedicated to looking for and getting supply—much like a hard-drug user.
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