Importance of Being Valued for Unique Traits
I’ve been in relationships and friendships with people who were fine having me around, they would hang out with me, and we would do things together.
What I assumed was that these people found me unique from other people who they had seen, interacted with, and personally known.
And because I assumed these people found me unique, and because these people spent time with me, I assumed they valued that which makes me different from all the others. And because I assumed they valued me, I also assumed that being with me meant so much to them and they would behave accordingly.
I assumed incorrectly in every single relationship (besides with my children).
Well, perhaps, these people did find me unique in that I might have been more available for, and interested in, them than other people they knew. Or that I was more emotionally-vulnerable and transparent than other people they knew. Therefore, I was easier to hurt should they need a scapegoat; and I was easier to take advantage of, for attention or company when they were bored and/or when others were too busy for them.
Of course, I love to be valued for being available, interested, emotionally-vulnerable and transparent by the people I care about and who I choose to invest my time into. But as I pointed to, these people only liked that I seemed easy because of these traits—not at all because they desired a shared, deep emotional closeness with me and not at all because they saw these traits as rare and precious to be cherished.
That’s the trouble when dealing with people who live on the surface for entertainment, distraction, and escapism—and without principles, ethics, growth, emotional-maturity, awareness, and self-reflection. If they like you, it’s certainly not because they see you as deeply rare and precious. To them, you’re just a commodity, an object. To them, you’re replaceable and disposable by any other object that is nice to look at, listen to, or who gives them attention or keeps them company.
When you’re replaceable and disposable, they won’t be your advocate, they won’t protect you, themselves or the relationship. They won’t be faithful, loyal and devoted to you and the relationship.
I, myself, desire to be with people who are precious to me because their unique, rare traits mean something to me. Who they are is a huge deal, to me. And I will choose, behave and respond accordingly.
Being very particular about who and what I spend my time on is evidence to this. I don’t need to be with just anyone. I am not desperate for just anyone to notice me, give me attention, or be around me.
It’s very easy to see if people are capable of valuing and finding precious someone who has depth, etc. Just look at how they spend their time, what they are impressed by, who they need attention and approval from, who and what they give attention to, what if anything they stand for, their ability to relate and understand, their need and drive to communicate and be transparent, their being true to their word, their emotional awareness, and so on.
When I meet the person who actually sees me, who knows I am different, who has been waiting for someone like me their entire life, then I will know that person is likely worth my time. Their seeing me that way (which I’ve yet to experience) is what will make them deeply precious and valuable to me. Likely, that is someone I can count, and rely on, lean on, trust, confide in and feel safe with. My ally.
If I’m not valued that way, I’ve learned to keep my distance. I’m not replaceable and disposable to the right people.
Do you need support in seeing and living out your own value? Do you need help making choices that reflect your value? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.