Interest in Categories, Not Individuals
Feeling special and unique to another person seems like a healthy relationship criterion to have. That which makes each person who they individually are is what makes a person unique and special—both to the person themselves, living their unique life, and to those who choose to be involved with the person.
What keeps a person from feeling special and unique in a relationship?
One theory I have is that the other person looks at all people in the context of categories rather than seeing separate individuals.
When someone is looking at the categories of individuals, then each individual in that category certainly isn’t special and unique. Each person in a category is replaceable with another within that category.
For example, if I only was interested in being friends with short-statured engineers, any short-statured engineer would fit the bill and could easily be replaced by another short-structured engineer. What makes the short-statured engineer unique and special from all other short-statured engineers wouldn’t be of value to me; thus, rendering every person in that category, short-statured engineers, replaceable and expendable.
Another example: If I offer my friend devotion and dedication in many ways, including being a good listener, but my friend just sees me as fitting into the category of compliant people, then my friend will find anyone who merely sits on the phone or nearby just as acceptable and fitting as I am. My friend isn’t seeing what it takes for me to listen, or my care and concern, or what work I’ve done in order to be able to truly listen. My friend likely doesn’t see what else I bring to the friendship if it doesn’t fit into one of their preferable categories. My friend only sees me as one of many compliant people. I’m replaceable by any other seemingly-compliant people. I’m just a number to my friend: replaceable and expendable.
What’s worse in a relationship with someone who looks at people based on a specific category, and your being just one of many in that category, is when that someone looks to several categories of people. You may or may not fit into any of the other categories the person prefers (likely you don’t).
Why would anyone prefer categories versus individuals? It’s a sure way to
not experience rejection
always ensure people are available
always ensure to fit in and belong
avoid commitment & devotion
be able hide & not be vulnerable
not have to make high-stake personal investments (all eggs in one basket)
not risk loss
If you wonder why attending a group of people who have just one thing in common hasn’t sat right with you, this could be why. Or if you’ve been in relationships where you feel invisible, or not valuable to the other people, or replaceable at any given moment by certain stimuli (or categories), this could be why. Or if you’ve felt the pressure to be a performer, rather than to just be yourself, this could be why (in order to fit into the other person’s preferred category).