Quit Looking at the Nasty
Those of us who chose not to be willfully-blind or artificially-naive use discernment, intuition, awareness, and life experience in order to assess situations and relationships. Usually, we can get a good read on people in a short amount of time—especially if we don’t get in the way of letting others show their true colors.
When we do get in the way of letting others show themselves, we know we were the ones who duped ourselves. With hindsight vision, we can recall numerous red flags we ignored from the beginning.
Once we have a good understanding of a person who, or situation which, doesn’t line up with our values and desires, we sometimes can get addicted to looking for more evidence of wrong-doing, or to remind ourselves why we have a problem with what’s going on.
This can also happen when we have regrets of the past or things we dread doing. We excessively ruminate about those things, even during the moments we aren’t doing them.
Being addicted to looking for more evidence and addicted to thinking about regrets of the past or the dread of future tasks likely
gives us the illusion of being in control
gives us the illusion that we’re somehow doing something about the problem
gives us the brief satisfaction of protesting, pouting, or rebelling against something we don’t like
makes us feel like we aren’t letting others get by with their betrayal (“I see what you’re doing.”)
makes us feel like our disapproval will suffice as paybacks, punishment and justice (like the saying goes, we drink poison and expect the other person to die)
makes us feel like we’re resilient for not giving up
makes us feel dedicated and loyal for not letting go
makes us feel like we’re sticking to what we believe in
keeps us hoping that our misery and disapproval will make the other person(s) change
brings us a brief sense of relief by experiencing the adrenaline rush of anger or sadness—a rush which we can bring on by merely recalling the miserable thoughts
is very familiar, thus “comfortable” and predictable
makes us feel like we aren’t naive
reminds us why we are feeling pain
makes sure we aren’t ignorantly getting our hopes up
consoles us, in a sense, because
We know what to expect.
We are prepared for what’s coming.
We aren’t ignorant of our lack of safety, etc.
No wool can be pulled over our eyes.
punishes ourselves for duping ourselves—with the hopes it will force us to not make this mistake again
punishes ourselves for wanting what we want—with the hopes it will force us to submit to having lower standards
punishes ourselves for non-related past mistakes—or even, punishes us simply for being ourselves
is an attempt to eventually desensitize us to the pain so we will no longer feel it
drags things on in order to allow for more time for the situation or person(s) to change
gives us the illusion of hope in being able to eventually get through to, teach and/or fix the other person(s)
makes us feel like we still have hope, aren’t giving up, and that things will eventually get better
makes us think the other person(s) sees we haven’t given up, which we hope will prompt them to change
drags things on in order to allow for more time for closure to magically happen
gives us ample time, we think, to be able to finally put an end to, or get rid of, anything which is prompting the hurtful feelings (a losing game of Wac-a-Mole)
makes us feel like we are blocking, or at least making it more difficult, for the other person(s) to do the hurtful things (we’re the pickle in the middle)
we hope eventually we discover we had it all wrong about the other person(s)
we hope our focus, attention and presence will fix, inspire, and unlock the good in the other person(s)
we are desperately trying to figure out the other person and situation in order to have some stability and security
is due to our thinking something is wrong with us, but we don’t know how to fix it
is due to our not wanting to change or to make changes
is due to our thinking we don’t deserve to have what we want
gives us justification or validation for the on-going grieving our loss
gives us a lot of excuses
keeps us attached to the person(s) involved so we don’t have to move on, let them go, or be alone
keeps the person(s) under our thumb, sort of
keeps the person(s) at a distance, yet we are still involved
keeps us in the dysfunctional dance, or game, with the other person(s) which gives us the illusion that it’s not over
keeps us small in attempt to fit in and belong
creates limitations and less options for us, which keeps us from doing other things which we might dread or fear
keeps us from fully-seeing and fully-accepting the truth of the situation or relationship—such as rejection—and what it says about ourselves and the other person
We get addicted to looking at painful things which we already know exist; so it’s surprising that we are tempted to keep thinking about them. However, the extensive list above shows that we get many payoffs or benefits—albeit, unhealthy ones—for not looking away and not letting go. It’s interesting to note how some of the payoffs directly contradict other payoffs; what a confusing mess that ruminating is.
Think of the that which causes us pain (physically, emotionally, mentally) as a crime scene. We have done our research. We’ve made our assessments. We have, in a sense, closed the “case.”
Yet, we keep turning back to examine the crime scene. It’s disturbing. It’s disgusting. It’s horrendous. It’s shocking. It creates anxiety and triggers fight-or-flight instincts. It makes us physically ill. It takes away our peace. It consumes us. It prevents us from being able to relax and contently do that which is in front of us—including, and especially, caring for ourselves and focusing on who and what we love.
When I watch movies which have disturbing scenes and images, I look away. I don’t want those visuals and audios imprinted on my mind. I don’t want to absorb anything nasty and disturbing—which would then force my mind to work hard to attempt to un-see what I saw, or un-hear what I heard. Our bodies store emotions and pain. I don’t want to tax my body more than necessary.
Develop a new habit. Every time you think about how someone is betraying you, every time you look for more evidence of on-going betrayal or annoyances, every time you think thoughts that make you dread your life experiences and tasks, tell yourself, “I don’t want to look at the crime scene anymore!” Train yourself to not look at, or think about, the disturbing scenes.
Get to the point where, when you notice or think about these painful things, you just have to warn yourself with the phrase “crime scene!” to get yourself to stop thinking about disturbing scenes, interactions and experiences; and to get yourself back on track and to immediately shift your thoughts to something inspiring and meaningful to you.
Rest assured. Your not looking at the crime scene doesn’t mean it didn’t / doesn’t exist. You’re not ignorant. You know what’s going on. But you don’t need to keep looking at it. It hurts and harms you when you do.
Heal yourself by learning from these situations and experiences. But you can’t fully heal until you stop looking at the crime scene.
Genesis 19:17 "And it came to pass, when they
had brought them forth abroad, that he said,
Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay
thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain,
lest thou be consumed."
22 "Haste thee, escape thither; for
I cannot do any thing till thou be come thither..."
26 “But his wife looked back from behind
him, and she became a pillar of salt.”
Read more about Quitting the Addiction of Ruminating.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.