Who Are Your Inner-Circle Friends?
I originally wrote this article on April 5, 2014.
Who do you let into your inner circle? What is necessary in a relationship in order for you to want to be with, and to put energy into, another person during your precious free time?
By inner circle, I mean people who are not strangers you encounter by being out in the world, or people you encounter in your employment (hopefully these are enjoyable interactions, or else you’re in the process of getting a different job or learning to use discernment in accepting clients).
Our inner circle can include partners, family, relatives, friends, acquaintances, and fellow club or institution members. We all have a choice to let these people in our inner circle or not.
“You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.”
- The Minimalists
I write about this to show that it’s okay to be different and to want what you want–including the kind of relationship(s) you uniquely desire. It’s not about right-or-wrong. It’s about feeling contentment and fulfillment and enjoying your life.
“Desire summons Life Force. If we must continue to be alive, we must continue to have new desire. You are not willing to let yourself outrageously want because when you outrageously want something that you haven’t found a way of getting, it is too uncomfortable, and the risk feels too great. We’re wanting you to hear that there is no risk at all! Fantasize and watch what happens.”
- Abraham Hicks
In order for me to be close to someone, to invest my energy in them, and to allow them in my personal space, we need to share the same values pertaining to the relationship, and life in general, and to desire the same things out of the relationship.
I’ve learned that what I can lovingly and freely give loved ones is what I, too, want to receive in a relationship. If someone can’t or doesn’t want to give freely in this manner, we simply aren’t a match. This frees us both up to move on and get what we do want.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”
- Frida Kahlo
As *individuals* living in this world, my loved one and I each are…
Unabashed, Unconditionally-Loving Ourselves: People-pleasing isn’t our thing. We love and honor ourselves and those close to us. We are here to learn about and love ourselves, to experiment, and experience life as the person we each are.
Personally-Responsible: We know our own power, and that we can create whatever we want in this life. We’re responsible for ourselves, our choices, our lives, and our feelings. We speak our truth. We don’t believe in putting up with things that don’t feel good. We let go of that which doesn’t serve our well-being.
Deep and Consciously-Living: We don’t live in the realm of appearance, commercialism, image and drama. We don’t need to hoard things, people, or activities because we trust we will always have what we need when we need it. Home is our refuge, and we are at-ease with just being. We don’t need to be entertained. We’re bit skeptical and definitely nonconformists. We live off-the-grid a bit. We’re not oblivious, though we don’t wallow in the despair of injustice. We live with intention. We live our priorities.
“Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
- Robert Frost
Minimalistic in Our Social Lives: People who need many friends and acquaintances, and who spread themselves so thin that they can’t be present on a deep level, aren’t going to last long with either of us. This includes those who have little down time, reflective time, and time to learn about themselves. We both want to be around people who make time for us–and are excited to talk to and be with us; and who are self-aware so they have as much to offer us as we have to offer them. We are discerning–not everyone belongs together; not everyone is our cup-of-tea, vice versa.
Always-Evolving: We are always curious to learn more about ourselves. We are always healing and growing: we are living with our eyes open.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
- Socrates
Emotional Beings: We have rich emotional lives and pay attention to these emotions as our ‘guideposts’ (as Esther Hicks calls them) to feel out if we are being true to ourselves and to determine if we are heading where we want to go. No emotion is considered ‘bad’.
Passionate: We each have some sort of inspirational interest we are passionate about. We love the hell out of it. We do it for ourselves, but our enjoyment and love of our passion effortlessly overflows to the rest of the world.
“I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It’s nice.”
- J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Humorous: We both are serious, but also goofy in non-annoying ways.
As two people *in a relationship together*, my loved one and I each are…
Wanted As-Is: We’re not in our relationship to be a savior or to change the other person. We want each other ‘as-is’—just as we each currently are.
Non-Compromising: Giving up something for the other person doesn’t make sense to us. Trouble-shooting and being creative on how to create flow and prioritize is how we function together.
Full of Adoration: We deeply value who we each are and what we each uniquely have to offer. We revere and respect our personal choices. There’s a deep sense of adoration and appreciation for each other, where we came from, our courage to get through, what we have been able to create against-all-odds and out-of-‘nothing’, and for how we each live.
“When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive.”
- Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers)
Trustworthy, Loyal and Respectful: We ‘have each others’ backs’ and aren’t going to disrespect one another behind our backs or buddy-up with each of our own acquaintances, families, or exes–we don’t care about having our paws in everything. We protect each other, watch out for each other, and stand up for each other. We can trust neither of us is going to take or move any of our things without asking first.
Vulnerable: We naturally have a deep-level of comfort and ease with each other. There is no self-consciousness or shame. We are safe.
Inspiring: Being together is inspirational, boosts our energy, and makes us excited about life.
Frequently in Contact: We enjoy being in touch and connecting when we’re not together and we can’t wait get together again. We make getting-together a priority; we make it happen.
Involved with Each Others’ Outside Lives: Besides having a cozy and fabulous relationship between us, we let the abundance of our love overflow into the rest of our lives. Naturally, we want to share work happy-hours, family/community outings and holidays with one another: the one other person on the planet who is ever-present, always-loving, and a deep part in our current life experience. In other words, there aren’t any more holidays spent alone or being excluded, period.
Hum-Drumming Together: We don’t think it is weakness or incompetency to suck at or not enjoy hum-drum life duties. We don’t care about messes; if we do, we clean them because we want to. We don’t pull the ‘victim’ card. We think it’s even better if we can do the duties together, or at least hang out with the other person while doing those things since they do take up a large part of our lives; and we just really like to be together.
Open, Authentic Communicators: We are able to freely share all of our feelings, ideas, thoughts, concerns, and beliefs—knowing the other person authentically wants to know and understand, and is empathetic and sincere.
Helpful with Our Input: We have valuable input for each other—I don’t mean playing devil’s advocate, dishing out psychology clichés or ‘just be positive’ sing-songs. We brainstorm ideas and solutions; we collaborate.
Active Listeners via Asking: When we communicate about something we are going through or working on, we don’t automatically assume that the other is looking for advice or a pep talk. We ask for clarification and what the others viewpoint is on the subject. There’s a difference between asking to be critical or skeptical, and asking for clarification. Asking questions in placement of dishing advice is a way of intentional listening and offering empathy.
Understanding of Intentions: We understand each others’ intentions. Blunt statements work well for us. There is no walking on eggshells; we want to know where we stand with the ones we care about. We believe in looking at intentions, and we ask. For example, if one person makes a snippy comment, the other can see how that person is under stress in a certain area; and we both can talk about it rather than automatically assuming the snippy comment equates to lack-of-love or lack-of-respect. We don’t need to justify, apologize, or explain over-and-over.
Self-expressive and Known: We can’t help but want to share ourselves and our emotions with each other. It’s in our nature to want to be known deeply by the people we love. There’s no mystery or hiding. Being known saves a lot of time and energy in a relationship.
Open to Not Knowing: Not being completely known by our loved ones allows room for growth and change—this isn’t to be confused with secrecy. In other words, it’s helpful to not assume, and to ask.
Not Transaction-Based and Not Obligated: We don’t owe each other anything. Our relationship is not transaction-based.
Sharing Interests: Pleasure in time together, sharing conversations, food, art, outdoors, walking, adventures, rest, downtime, and leisure are a large part of our bond.
Free to Leave: We check in frequently about our relationship. Is it working? Do we still both want it? Are we still our authentic selves in each moment? If the relationship is not working, if one person wants it to end, then we are free to do that. Neither of us wants to be around someone who doesn’t want us around, or to keep captive something that wants to fly away.
Givers of What We Want to Give: Beyond this list, neither of us expects to give what we don’t want to give or what doesn’t come naturally. This list, above, is like a dream package for both of us. We’re both independent so that we can do plenty for ourselves; we don’t feel the need to sacrifice to prove our love.
Allowing Only Good Stuff: When it comes to relationships, if both parties want the same things out of the relationship, and their intentions match up, the only ‘bad’ there could possibly be is just having a ‘bad’ day. However, with the foundation I described above, the other person will understand the ups-and-downs of being a human living on this crazy planet. And rather than ridiculing, they will be supportive and strong while the other rides out the waves of life.
Who do you allow in your inner circle, in your sacred space here on earth? What do you value in close relationships? I encourage you to look at all the beautiful things you have to offer in relationships, and to believe that you automatically deserve all that you desire.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.
Warmly,