Stonewalling: What to Do?
Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate… Body language may indicate and reinforce this by avoiding contact and engagement with the other party. People use deflection in a conversation in order to render a conversation pointless and insignificant. Tactics in stonewalling include giving sparse, vague responses; refusing to answer questions; and responding to questions with additional questions.
- Wikipedia
In the short story below, April and Buffy are siblings who don’t have a close relationship (because of their dynamics represented in this story). This shows a realistic example of stonewalling.
April: Hi, Buffy. I just found out that the kids’ dad won’t make the hour-and-a-half trip to the kids’ sporting competition. I don’t trust my old car to make it there and I’m nervous driving on the freeway. Since you’re going too, could we get a ride with you?
Buffy: Sure, no problem. We’re going on Friday and staying at the hotel across the street.
April: That sounds great.
[Fast-forward to a few days prior to the trip:]
April: Hi Buffy, What time do you want to leave for the trip on Friday?
Buffy: Oh, we’re not going on Friday. We’re going on Saturday.
April: Wait. We talked about going on Friday.
Buffy: I change my mind.
April: Why didn’t you discuss your potential plan changes with me? So we could decide together what works for all of us? And so I had more notice to figure out an alternative?
Buffy: I don’t have to tolerate this.
April: What the heck, Buffy?
Buffy: Don’t use that tone with me. I will not be spoken to that way.
[Buffy hangs up, and does not answer the phone when April calls back.]
It could be safe to assumer that Buffy doesn’t really like April, and certainly doesn’t respect her.
If Buffy were an honest person, she would have said to April right away, “I’m sorry, I prefer to not ride together.” That probably would have frustrated April. However, April would have respected Buffy’s honesty, preferences and boundaries. A person saying, “No” to a request is not stonewalling. Of course, April could use this information to decide how much involvement she wanted to have with Buffy, moving forward.
Buffy was in the wrong in this story because Buffy…
didn’t communicate and initiate a dialog with April about Buffy wanting to change plans
went ahead and changed the plans without notifying April and without considering April and her kids
didn’t honor her agreement and commitment to provide a ride to April and April’s children
didn’t feel any sense of empathy or remorse for the predicament she left April and her kids in
accused April of mistreatment because April questioned Buffy’s choices
refused to acknowledge April, her perspective, and her predicament
blocked (stonewalled) April from being able to communicate with Buffy
left April alone to process what went wrong and to deal with Buffy’s choices and treatment
didn’t feel any sense of empathy or remorse about any issues on this list
didn’t take accountability for any issues on this list
I’ve been stonewalled by people I was involved with for most of my life—starting at a young age. What’s in common with most stonewallers is they lack in accountability, ethics, truth, empathy, and remorse.
What do you do when you’re stonewalled like this?
1. Say very little.
Remember: He/she has little-to-no accountability, empathy and remorse. There’s no where to go with someone like that.
Anything you say can and will be used against you. Reference the above story. Wanting a dialog about what he/she did, or concerns you have, will only inconvenience and threaten his/her ego and facade. As such, he/she will frame you as the “bad guy.”
You cannot teach such a person how to have morals and ethics. And that’s not your responsibility anyway.
2. Get really clear on your deal-breakers in relationships.
Is stonewalling a deal-breaker?
Lack of accountability?
Lack of empathy?
No remorse for mistakes?
Lack of ethics?
3. Appreciate the information you gained from this situation. Now you can adjust your expectations with him/her and the relationship: expect little-to-nothing anymore.
4. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’re counting on or relying on him/her.
5. Let it go for your sanity, peace and well-being: Don’t waste your precious time, focus, and energy on this situation, relationship and person.
6. Consider using his/her stonewalling as an opportunity to be finished with the relationship.
7. Use discernment with whoever you allow in your life, moving forward. Pay attention when you notice signs of lack of accountability, empathy and remorse.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.