Watch Out for ‘Superficiality’ & ‘Dissociation’
Some key relationships I’ve been in have been really confusing and frustrating because I just couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. I cared about—and sometimes adored—these people and wanted to invest in the relationships; yet, it always felt like I just couldn’t connect and collaborate on a deeper level with them.
I would wonder what was going on and what was wrong with me. Something crucial was missing which I couldn’t see and couldn’t figure out. I didn’t have the language. I didn’t hear about other people having these problems in relationships—not to the extent of emotional turmoil that I felt.
On the other side of a lot of heartbreak, it finally has dawned on me.
The common thread with these people was that they were superficial. Their image was very important to them. Superficially being approved-of, fitting-in with, and/or getting attention from random people mattered to them quite a bit. They weren’t concerned with self-awareness and growth. They were entertained, impressed, enthralled and distracted by shallow traits, interactions and activities.
Along with these traits, they were also dissociative. It was extremely difficult to mentally and emotionally reach and connect with these people. Loyalty and connection weren’t even on their radar. They weren’t really concerned about being known or knowing others. They weren’t interested in keeping loved ones in-the-loop of their plans, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, opinions, preferences, choices, feelings or actions. Some of these people seemed to have their head in the clouds, living in a fantasy world, manically pleasured, magical thinking, maladaptive daydreaming, and/or living vicariously through real and fictional others. Some found everything to be a joke. Some were so overly-nice, so overly-positive, and/or so overly-spiritual that they seemed to speak a foreign language or live in an altered reality.
Some were actually “nice” people. But even with the “nice” ones, if I were to try to have deeper interactions and discussions with them, they would either go blank or else get upset and stonewall me. And they would disappear.
None of these people seemed interested in, nor able to, relate to or understand me, my experiences, perspectives and feelings.
These people usually created a sense of competition for relationships with them—competitions for which I never signed up. The competitions were with superficial and shallow people and distractions. Any sort of crumb would consistently take these people away—either literally or in their heads—from potentially creating a meaningful, deep, secure relationship.
Lack of sincerity also seems to go hand-and-hand with superficiality and dissociation. Investing in a connected, close relationship seemed terrifying for them and a waste of their time and focus: that would be too restrictive and smothering, and would take them away from their abundant buffet of crumbs. They seemed to be very slippery since transparency and honestly weren’t part of their value system.
I really had no idea that I could love superficial, dissociative and insincere people. I assumed if I loved a person, it meant that the relationship would grow and flourish, and that this desire was mutual.
Why in the world would I make this assumption? I think it’s because I didn’t have the terms for what was happening. I was always scrambling, trying to make the relationships work, trying to be a better person in order to do my part. But, really, I could have just banged my head against the wall and gotten the same results.
So now I know how to save myself a lot of grief: Watch out for superficiality, dissociation and insincerity when meeting prospective friends. With this knowledge, superficiality, dissociation and insincerity are easy to spot when observing a person’s lifestyle, choices, interests, distractions, social circles, ability to relate and understand, desire to give and receive input and feedback, reliability, efforts in spending time together, efforts in communication and the types of communication that works for them, etc.
It’s been a painful lesson. Hopefully I can help other deeper and sincere people to not fall for the confusion, chaos and time-sucking relationships with those who dissociate, are into the superficial, and are insincere.
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