Traumatized Child Part of an Adult
For those of us who have loved someone who can’t love us back, and/or who don’t share the same ’bundle’ traits, it can heart-wrenching and extremely difficult to let that person go because what has happened just doesn’t make sense. To make matters worse, the other person can’t and won’t tell you the truth—he/she likely lacks the awareness and inner-strength (likely due to stuffing down and hiding from much core shame) to do so anyway.
It’s almost as if our own child “part” doesn’t want to accept this reality—because healthy adults, in addition to experiencing some sadness and loss, understand and accept that it just wasn’t a good match.
To help with healing and deep acceptance, I made up the following conversation between two people: one who loves the other so much, and the other who just can’t love and receive love.
A: I love you so much.
B: You’re seeing too much of me. Back away.
A: But don’t you want to be loved?
B: I do, but I don’t believe anyone would love me.
A: But I do, though.
B: I can’t trust that. I learned at a young age that no one loves me.
A: But I’m here now, and I love you.
B: No. My brain was already wired to believe no one will ever love me.
A: Is there anything I can do or be to convince you? To make you trust me?
B: I know this is where I’m supposed to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ There really isn’t anything you can do to make me believe I could have love.
A: But I want to spend my time with you. I see you as precious. I want to protect you and what we share. Doesn’t that feel like love to you?
B: I don’t allow myself to see things that way; in fact, my brain didn’t develop that way.
You can do things that provide pleasure for me and that entertain me. I really haven’t emotionally-developed past infancy. Do you know how infants like smiling faces and pleasant voices and silly things? That’s how I still am. It doesn’t go much deeper than that for me.
I learned at a young age that superficial pleasure and entertainment is the closest I will ever get to experiencing love.
I learned that I can do things like giving favors to people and I can give my attention and body away to whoever wants it; that’s how I get witness those people receiving superficial pleasures and entertainment from me (or I can even witness people obtaining pleasures elsewhere, it’s all the same to me). This helps me to pretend that I am giving and receiving love.
A: I don’t want to be dedicated, devoted and invested in someone who doesn’t really see me and who seeks superficial pleasures and entertainment all the time. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have boundaries, who doesn’t truly value anything, who needs attention and to be pleasured from anyone and everyone.
B: Again, I know I should say ‘I’m sorry.’ That’s just how I’m wired. I don’t need you more than superficially. My needs for pleasure and entertainment are very superficial; so, of course, I am never really satiated on superficial scraps. Therefore, I can’t give up any opportunity to get scraps where ever and whenever I can get them.
A: But I love you.
B: If you love me, give me superficial pleasure and entertainment. And quit talking about this. I don’t like to see myself, who I am, and how I live. I only like to see myself reflected back to me in the form of pleasure and entertainment.
A: This is so heart-breaking.
B: I can’t relate to your feelings. The only thing I feel is my need for superficial pleasure and entertainment. I’m either receiving and absorbing it (in other words, getting my hit) or I am trying to quickly obtain it before I feel empty and scared.
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This sort of dissociation and inability to experience love can happen in varying degrees. Also, some people, instead of / or in addition to superficial pleasure and entertainment seeking, might be obsessed with perfecting their image or acting out a lifestyle they idealize and idolize, etc.
In order to heal, to let go of the person, and to make space for a much better match, it’s necessary to
accept that this person is unable to
really see, appreciate and value you
receive and give deep, authentic love
accept that it’s not your fault that your love doesn’t help the person want to grow and mature
look at what made you choose such a person in the first place.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.