Secrecy & Sneakiness: the Dangling Carrot
Questioning, listening, reading between the lines, interrogating, researching, watching for clues, begging, trouble-shooting, connecting-dots, putting pieces together, filling in discrepancies, scrambling, fumbling, wracking your brain, figuratively pulling-teeth…
How much work do you do in order to to try to learn about someone with whom you’re in a relationship?
If someone in whom you’re interested seems mysterious or vague…
if it feels like you’re not getting the whole picture
if there are a lot of unknowns & missing details
if they barely answer any questions
if they answer questions vaguely
if what they do share with you doesn’t match up to their actions & other data they’ve shared
if they don’t share much without being questioned
if they use a lot of words to describe irrelevant things…
yet, reveal nothing about pertinent character-defining information & other information you should & need to know
if you can’t quite figure out who they are & what they are about
if you can’t easily read them
if what you do manage to figure out, they deny
if they attempt to intimidate or insult you for wanting to learn about them
if even the simplest of interests, preferences, needs & desires aren’t revealed
if they frequently disappear—physically or mentally—and you have no idea where they went & what they’re doing & thinking
if you have no idea what they believe in, value, & which (if any) principles & ethics they have
if you’re clueless about their interest in & involvement with others & with technology/media
if they are frequently & conveniently forgetful
if you feel like you can never reach them
if you feel tortured, stressed out & strained due to trying to learn about them
… then you just might be suckered into an endless game of chasing a dangling carrot.
Why wouldn’t someone want to be known in a relationship?
As a power trip against you
It’s a fun, sadistic game to mess with you, to watch you struggle & not give you want you want.
They conveniently didn’t tell you that they never intended on your knowing them.
They don’t like you much, but just won’t say it or let you go.
As a vendetta against someone who hurt them, but they punish you instead
They feel relief, as if they are rebelling against the abuser.
You’re an almost-guaranteed target since you’re a person who is interested in them & you strongly & desperately desire to know them.
Anyone else just doesn’t care, wouldn’t stick around; or are happy with superficial interactions.
It could be that they have a blind loyalty to their abuser &/or are in denial of the abuse.
It could be that the abuser doesn’t desire to know them, thus doesn’t come around much.
It could be that if they expressed hurt to the abuser, the abuser wouldn’t come back.
Selfishness & self-absorption
They only care about their own desires & needs.
They are lazy. Working at relationships is too much work.
You’re just one measly person & not worth sharing with.
There’s no way in heck they are going to give or share with you anything they hold near-and-dear. ‘It’s mine!’
As a sense-of-control
They have designed their lives into very-manageable compartments:
where they do the minimum required to get people in each compartment to like them, or give them attention, or keep coming back, or to fall in their lap
They observe everyone in each compartment to know what script to use & mask to wear.
The easiest way to keep the compartments & illusions straight is to not reveal much.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
- By compartmentalizing & not mixing the contents & people into other compartments, they can be in complete control over who knows what & where each bit of information will stay.
- Their image is totally maintained & controlled.
Shame
They have a lot of interests, thoughts, desires, habits, and hobbies which they would be ashamed to tell you about, let alone include you in.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Being secretive & sneaky has gotten them what they’ve wanted in life.
Being secretive & sneaky has kept them from being rejected & getting hurt.
Being secretive & sneaky as a quiet person can give the illusion of their being nice, easy-going, low-key, down-to-earth, a good listener, accommodating, patient, cooperative & genuinely interested in whomever is around.
Being secretive & sneaky as a verbal person can give the illusion of being transparent, fun, outgoing, and having too much going on (busy & important) to be able to give more information.
They have never matured enough, & are unwilling to risk learning-and-growing, to realize that the only fulfilling relationship is one where they are completely-known by someone who cares & is invested.
Fulfillment isn’t the goal for them. Being easily-impressed & falling for anything suits them just fine.
They believe a relationship mostly only entails simply showing up, and/or that simply their making declarations about how they are, makes it so.
They believe sharing with you would mean you’d somehow take away from them what they’ve shared, or you’d ruin their fun.
If you chose to be involved with someone like this, pull back your own exposure and simply stop caring about knowing this person. Let them share what they feel like sharing. Don’t let it take away your peace, dignity, self-respect, and fulfillment.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.